Competition between siblings can mean to be destructive. While this may be mostly harmless, especially during childhood, sibling rivalry can turn out to be damaging if it persists into adulthood. When Carol was growing up, her young sister was the family’s favourite. As a child, this bothered her a little, and every now and then, she would pick fights with her sister out of jealousy. Unfortunately, this competition never stopped as the two grew up to become ‘subtle’ enemies. They would compete for just about anything; from their parents’ love to the littlest of matters such as ‘who wins an argument.’ This kind of jealousy and competition between brothers and sisters is a serious concern for the family. Counsellor Shadia Nansasi explains that though this is not rare in families, it shouldn’t be left unresolved. What parents need to understand is that, as long as they have more than one child, this competition is bound to happen, she says. “For some children, it’s about feeling unseen or not feeling like they are getting enough love from their parents. They might feel like their love and attention is being shared by others and this doesn’t sit well with them, this makes their relationship feel threatened,” she says. She, however, notes that parents too need to consider how they treat their children because this at times is what causes the friction. “When parents show favouritism, at times children get jealous and ‘feel little’ for not being able to earn their parents’ love. This is when they start fighting for this attention and doing all they can to be better than the other.” The counsellor is, therefore, of the view that parents should first and foremost, refrain from playing favourites. “Do your best to love your children equally and never try to compare them, because children can never be the same in life even when they share the same DNA. Even during a conflict, try to solve their issues without showing sides or blaming them, this will only infuriate the hatred,” she says. Marcel Kabano, a father and husband, says sibling rivalry has always been part of family orchestra, nonetheless, it doesn’t make it any easier when dealing with it, he says. Such children, especially when they are old, get their negative energy spread to the rest of the family, he adds, noting that it’s always best to have these matters settled early on when they are still young. “You need to teach them how to love and accept each other with their differences. Parents, however, need to teach this by setting the right example as well. Be equally supportive to all of them, because taking sides doesn’t help in this scenario.” Kabano also believes its best to call family meetings when matters get out of hand. “This is especially best with mature siblings. If not dealt with, this hatred can spread through the family right to their children. Let them open up and share their thoughts on what started the feud in the first place. Then find ways of settling the matter.” Allen Umulisa, a university student, says normalising sibling competition can be challenging and awkward for those involved. She says, one of her siblings has tendencies of acting superior based on the fact that she is the firstborn and earns a lot of money. This bothered her and the rest of her siblings but as grownups, she says they had to sit at some point and deal with the underlying issues. “We had to sit and discuss because this was slowly eating up our family and was even leading to deeper issues among us. Sibling rivalry can cause a toxic environment in the family, especially if it’s not addressed.” Her take on this is that the family needs to have an open platform where such has to be brought to light and be discussed.
