Frank has been dating his girlfriend for two years now. Though their relationship is stronger now, he says their start was so shaky that they almost quit dating after only a few months. It was the constant arguing that almost broke them up, he says, pinning this to their parallel personalities. However, their love and commitment towards each other is what held them together. “We realised that we were different people from different backgrounds. And so, in order to be together we had to be understanding and tolerant of each other. What I have learnt is that conflict is inevitable in relationships, you just have to find ways of handling it as a couple such that it doesn’t kill your relationship,” he says. Conflict and misunderstandings happen all the time in relationships. How you deal with them is what determines the extent at which it can affect you as a couple. Eron Gatsinzi, a production manager, says since fights are inevitable in a relationship, people should always be flexible and empathetic towards each other. He says, what is worrying isn’t the disagreement, rather, how you react and how you deal with it as a couple. “Don’t be quick to judge or make conclusions. Have the right motive, which is to solve the conflict instead of wanting to be right. At times couples hurt each other more in the process of proving that they are the ones in the right even when they know they aren’t,” he says. Divine Ishimwe believes that how you see conflict helps a lot in addressing it. She says if you see conflicts as an attack from your partner, you give them power to affect your relationship. She, therefore, recommends that it’s better to see conflicts as opportunities for you and your partner to understand, appreciate and embrace each other’s differences. An article published by Psychology Today indicates that as anyone who has been in a romantic relationship knows, disagreements and fights are inevitable. When two people spend a lot of time together, with their lives intertwined, they are bound to disagree from time to time. These disagreements can be big or small, ranging from what to eat for dinner or failing to complete a chore, to arguments about whether the couple should move for one partner’s career or deciding on children’s religious upbringing. By dealing with conflicts constructively, you can gain a better understanding of your partner and arrive at a solution that works for both of you. On the other hand, it is also possible for conflicts to escalate and create ill will without resolving anything, the article reads. It, therefore, advises couples to be direct. Sometimes people don’t just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure. One partner may speak to the other in a way that is condescending and implies underlying hostility. Other times, partners may mope and pout without really addressing an issue. Partners may also simply avoid discussing a problem by quickly switching topics when the issue comes up, or by being evasive. Such indirect ways of expressing anger are not constructive, because they don’t give the person who is the target of the behaviour a clear idea of how to respond. They know their partner is irritated, but the lack of directness leaves them without guidance about what they can do to solve the problem. On this note, Ishimwe also says it’s always wise to avoid gas lighting your partner when in conflict. When gas lighting, a person may pretend not to understand what their partner is complaining about so that they do not have to respond to them. This complicates the matter even more. But in such a case, both parties should be considerate of each other’s feelings and be honest about how they really feel, she says. Never say ‘never’ or ‘always’ when dealing with conflict. When you’re addressing a problem, you should avoid making generalisations about your partner. Statements like ‘You never help out around the house, or, ‘You’re always staring at your cell phone’ are likely to make your partner defensive. Rather than prompting a discussion about how your partner could be more helpful or attentive, this strategy is likely to lead your partner to start generating counterexamples of all the times they were, in fact, helpful or attentive. Again, you don’t want to put your partner on the defensive.
