You are not one to stay in on a Friday night, but your partner would rather grab a blanket, get comfortable on the couch and see what’s good on Netflix. Sometimes when you argue, you want to talk about the issue there and then; but your partner would rather walk away and think it over later. Does this sound familiar? If so, you’re familiar with the challenges of personality differences. In her line of work as a psychologist, Emmanuella Mahoro says she has come across cases where petty arguments among couples have escalated to a bigger problem. The most thought-provoking part, she says, is that many of these issues stem from one person trying to cope with the habits or mannerisms of the other. “Dealing with personality differences among couples can make it difficult to find a common ground, and if left unsolved, it can lead to separation or even divorce,” she says. However, if the couple realises the problem and seeks help, it can be worked on. Alice (not real name) says after one year in marriage, she realised her husband was not the same person she married. She says that she was raised in a Christian home as a quiet and humble person, while her husband was outgoing and would spend most of his time socialising and having fun with friends. “Although he wanted us to do things together, I found it uncomfortable and instead of forcing myself into it, I decided to let him do it alone, and this is where problems started, as I felt lonely and lost in my marriage” she says. Alphonse, a journalist working with Isango Star, says he once tried to change his wife to become an extrovert like him. When he realised he was hitting a dead-end, he decided to change himself to fit his wife’s interests in order to save their marriage. Mahoro says when people have beliefs or habits that differ, it creates friction, and the only way is to work things out with the help of a marriage counsellor to avoid further damage. She notes that this doesn’t imply that two partners need to be exactly alike, there will always be comparison, but understanding or learning how to accommodate each other’s differences is important. One may ask, can people with different personalities get along? Kelly Johson Gahaya, a registered clinical counselor and founder of Lighthouse, a counselling and training centre in Kigali, says, “People are often attracted to someone who is different. Sometimes those opposites that attract us in the beginning can also be the source of conflict later on.” Gahaya says that it’s ideal to understand that personality differences not only pertain to introvert versus extrovert, but also apply to our different attachment styles and the ways we learn how to love. “Most couples have different attachment styles, and again this can be what attracted them in the beginning, but later can sometimes be a place where each person is triggered. “Understanding one self and your partner is so helpful in decreasing conflict,” she says. Another important aspect when it comes to dealing with personality differences, Gahaya notes, is that self-awareness is key. She is of the view that understanding why you do the things you do, and why your partner does the things they do is vital. Also, understanding that the other person thinks and acts and responds contrarily to you is important in dealing with triggers and not expecting them to be like you. Embracing differences Diana Nawatti, a counsellor, says understanding each other’s personality differences helps couples to develop greater self-awareness and understand their partners better. In fact, she notes that letting each other understand the reasoning behind your decision is the best way to understand each other and get along as a couple. “I have realised that having different personalities allows us to see different sides to our main character, which is vital as far as any strong relationship is concerned,” Nawatti says. Gahaya adds that couples who ask for what they need from their partner without blaming or shaming them have a greater ability to resolve conflict. And that couples who blame, shame and assume they know why their partner does what they do only lead to conflict. “All in all, counselling can be a helpful resource to resolve conflict before it gets too serious,” Gahaya adds.
