When you are getting married and there are children involved from a previous relationship, expect an either rewarding or challenging experience. Your partner or children are likely to feel uncertain about the upcoming changes and what they will mean to them. This is why counsellors recommend laying a solid foundation for blended families. Blended families are basically those formed when you and your partner enter a marriage union life with children from one or both of your previous relationships. Family counsellor Damien Mouzoun says that such families are bound to certain challenges, noting that often when parents come together in a relationship, they tend to not involve their children in the relationship, and that becomes a problem when they have to move in together. He says, when two parents come together in a relationship, they should also involve their children, especially when they are in a serious or committed relationship. “This helps the children to be part of the relationship that their parents are building instead of feeling left out which might cause them to become somehow rebellious,” he says. Mouzoun encourages parents to in fact first talk to their children before entering into another relationship. “When a parent wants to get in another relationship, it is good they first talk about it with their children and get to hear what they think about it. Although, to some parents, this might sound like disrespect or too much because they feel like children are now telling them what to do, but, this is a decision that affects your children whether you talk about it with them or not, especially if there is any plan of moving in together,” he explains. Children need to have conversations about it and I believe it is better if a parent walks that journey with the children until they understand and are fine with you getting into another relationship, he adds. “And again, parents should realise that this relationship is not for them only, it is another relationship for the children as well. Imagine being forced into a relationship that you don’t want or you are not prepared for?” Set boundaries Frank Mugisha, a single father, believes that any blended family needs to start setting boundaries right from the time parents start dating. “Know your limits, especially when it comes to, for instance, disciplining your spouse’s child. Ensure to bond with your step children but even then put a limit so that you don’t create an uncomfortable atmosphere” he says. Mouzoun agrees with this, highlighting that something that happens in most cases and brings quarrels and arguments is not knowing and communicating boundaries in a blended family. Some children will say that their stepmother or father is acting like their mother or father while they are not and this can create tensions between them. This, he says, can be solved by knowing your boundaries as a stepmother or father or a child. Just because you are a stepfather to this child does not mean you should step into their world as a father, the child might not be ready for that transition and when you want to be the father to them, they might reject or avoid you, and that will not only break your heart, but theirs as well. I think women are the ones who face this often. “I can call it knowing your place in the relationship. When you join an already existing family, it is better to know the relationship that the family has between them and recognise where to allocate yourself. For instance, if you get into a relationship with a mother who has a strong bond with her children, it is better you try all your best to not break that bond but instead, help strengthen it, there is no way children will get to like you if they see you as someone who is not allowing their mother to spend as much time with them as she used to.” How to manage Claire Uwera, a mother, explains that managing a blended family requires one not to have a lot of expectations because this might set you up for disappointment. She also recommends to understand that, you are not expected to fall in love with your partner’s children instantly. “Take your time to get to know them, this might take some time depending on how welcoming the children are. But don’t be too hard on yourself because the pressure might just push them away.” Mouzoun advises that the best way to manage a blended family is to have proper communication. This should start from the moment a parent thinks of getting into another relationship, they should talk to their children about it, give them time to understand it and also, allow them to move on their own pace without pressuring them or pushing them into that relationship. “Taking time to know the children and build a relationship with the children is also something very important and helpful in managing a blended family. The same way partners have dates, there should be dates that involve children as well. The stepparent-to-be can plan for dates with the children as a way to create a bond with them and to know them more.” Another thing is that communication helps to clear all the expectations that everyone involved in the relationship have, this is where the boundaries are also addressed and if need be, the whole family can set boundaries together. “Lastly, when all the challenges stated are resolved and communication is smooth, it is better for everyone to commit to the relationship and do the best they can for the relationship. Everyone needs to be patient with the other and try to be there for each other and provide help where need be,” the counsellor notes. Blending a family is more than a physical act, it takes a lot of spiritual and emotional capacity which everyone will surely not have at the same time, and that is why communication and patience are very essential. You cannot know how your new partner or the children are struggling in the relationship unless they are able to communicate it. Also, in everything the family does, creating a safe space should be priority, he adds.
