Showbiz is closed until further notice. Along with sports, concerts, opera and ‘The Daily Show’, they are shutting down the release of movies to cinemas in a bid to stem the spread of the Covid-19 virus. I don’t mean to be morbid but imagine if there was a movie about a virus outbreak that was scheduled for a worldwide April release? This would have been the best publicity such a movie could possibly get. The ‘virus movie’ which was postponed because of the virus? It would not even have to be good. It could star Nicolas Cage and be directed by M Night Shyamalan — two names that are currently shorthand for bogus film — and still be guaranteed a large opening just off meme publicity alone. The release dates for some of this year’s most anticipated movies have been thrown into disarray by the coronavirus. Let me explain how.It is because Americans can’t be trusted. You can do the best you can, you can tell them: “Y’all gotta wash yer hands, y’all gotta avoid touchin’ yer face, y’all gotta cough into yer elbow, and if y’all feel symptoms like fever, shortness of breath and rough throat, y’all gotta go get tested, y’all.” All the doctors in the world are saying this over and over and over again, but cinema owners in the US cannot trust Americans to listen. They feel like you can repeat this message every day, but they will still stroll into the cinemas coughing like Khaleesi’s dragons, then digging their claws into their nostrils and ears, then slapping and smacking every single other surface on the premises, distributing ‘ronas’ (COVID-19) all over. So just to be on the safe side, the industry that depends on audiences has elected to keep Americans away from each other. Which means no movie halls. The cinemas would rather close than be filled with coughing, hacking, groping patrons spewing pestilence all over their seats and carpets. In response, the movie-making companies have decided that instead of taking the losses, they are going to release the films direct to streaming instead. Usually there is a wait before they do that — first make some cinema money for a few months before they let the internet watch the film— but not this year. This year of plague and infection, they are going to release some major titles online early. So you don’t have to go to the cinema where dirty people are waiting with unwashed hands to infect you! My research assistant has just emailed me a list of some of the titles (we are not using paper, just in case) but I don’t think I should share it with you. Because, what about those of you who don’t have Netflix, or don’t have access to Disney Plus or the other digital streaming services? What about those of you who, like me, don’t want to see a list of movies we are not going to be able to watch in time? Those who are made of money to spend on Netflix already know what to do. The rest of us? On behalf of the World Health Organisation, The African Union, your ancestors and on my own behalf, I would like to urge you to avoid large social gatherings where infection is likely to spread and stay at home watching old movies. Watch old movies. It is about time you caught up. This is your chance to catch up. There are those among us who did not have access to video, DVD or cinemas in the 90s and 00s, and there are those of us who were below the Parental Guidance PG rating when the good stuff first came out and are now adults who have no idea what others are talking about when they quote ‘The Godfather’. This is the time you need to catch up. ‘Pulp Fiction’, ‘The Matrix Trilogy’, ‘Lord Of The Rings’, the whole ‘Star Wars’ series, the ‘Godfather’, ‘Silence of The Lambs’, ‘The Big Lebowski’ are classics that every participant in modern Life should know if not enjoy. Also, get Nollywood movies. Some of you still don’t know how good Nollywood is because you have never been trapped inside your home with no choice but to watch it. Get Nollywood and find out how awesome it is.
