Twenty-six-year-old Ishimwe has endured his family’s troubles since the age of five, which included his mother’s struggles with alcoholism, and the constant turmoil of his parents’ conflicts. The hope of having a completely normal family was shattered for Ishimwe at a young age. He recalls endless parental quarrels, so intense that at some point, sleep became elusive, there were moments when the fights escalated to such a degree that he felt compelled to seek outside intervention. “Some days,” he noted, “I told myself that perhaps all parents argue, and it would soon pass. But unfortunately, that was not the reality.” Ishimwe often asked his mother about the source of their family’s troubles but was always met with silence. “There was this one time,’ he recalled, “when my mother returned home drunk, late into the night. She was sobbing uncontrollably, and when I asked about my father, she collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep. The next morning, I missed school.” ALSO READ: What you should know about a toxic family He revealed that this pattern of her mother’s drinking problem led to frequent school absenteeism and a decline in academic performance. “My teachers began to notice and inquire about my well-being. But the thought of admitting the truth and facing the embarrassment was unbearable. So, I resorted to lying, claiming I was sick whenever questioned about my struggles,” he said, adding that he remained unaware of his father’s whereabouts. Eventually, as he grew older, he understood that his parents had separated. “I came to the realisation that my parents had broken up, and I accepted that. However, to this day, my mother’s battle with alcoholism has affected me in many ways, especially in shaping my relationships.” However, despite the troubles he had to endure, Ishimwe found support in his school experience. “When I began my secondary school education, I attended various extracurricular activities. One of the most impactful was the Anti-Drugs Club. From there, I connected with classmates who had endured similar hardships, forming bonds that provided much-needed companionship and understanding. This network of friends became a cornerstone of my healing journey,” he recounted. Now a social service worker, Ishimwe reflects on his journey with a sense of acceptance and determination. “I have come to accept my past. I am committed to continuously working on myself, aiming for personal growth and healing,” he shared. Vincent Sezibera, Professor of Psychology (Clinical Psychology) and Director of the Centre for Mental Health, College of Medicine and Health Sciences at the University of Rwanda, and founding President of the Rwanda Psychological Society (RPS), a professional organisation of psychologists in Rwanda, explains a dysfunctional family as a family characterised by conflicts. “When couples engage in frequent quarrels, escalating into fights, they often fail to appreciate each other’s worth. This discord can begin even before marriage, with some individuals tying the knot out of fear of remaining single or seeking financial security within the marriage. Additionally, marriages instigated by unplanned pregnancies can burden one partner with a sense of obligation, further contributing to the formation of dysfunctional family dynamics,” he said. ALSO READ: Minister Bayisenge calls for more efforts in addressing family conflicts He also noted that research indicates that children raised in such dysfunctional family environments often face developmental challenges. “These children may experience stunted growth. Moreover, they are at higher risk of developing neurological issues due to the chronic stress and instability within their family environment.” Sezibera also highlighted research conducted by Claire Bahati, a student of Clinical Psychology at the University of Rwanda, which is Trends and Correlates of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) Victimization in Rwanda. “Her findings reveal that conflicts within families can have detrimental effects, particularly on pregnant women. Often, these women avoid seeking medical attention during pregnancy, and when they do, it’s typically when a significant issue arises,” he said. Furthermore, he acknowledges the significance of the initiative ‘Sugira Muryango’, a home-visiting programme that uses active coaching to build parent capabilities and increase responsive parenting of both mothers and fathers to promote early childhood development (ECD) and prevent violence, which has drawn attention to the repercussions of growing up in dysfunctional families. “Observations from this programme indicate that children raised in such environments often experience mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. In extreme cases, these children may even resort to living on the streets, to escape conflicts at home,” he added. Sezibera noted that fortunately, not all children from dysfunctional families emerge with scars. “Some children, despite their challenging upbringing, develop a resilient outlook on life, resolving to break the cycle of dysfunction. They draw inspiration from their experiences, fuelling a drive to excel and carve out a better future for themselves.” He emphasised the critical importance for parents to take proactive steps to prevent such detrimental family dynamics from occurring. Highlighting that every parent’s aspiration is for their children to thrive in an environment of peace and stability. He furthermore advocates for careful consideration before entering a marriage. Encouraging open and honest conversations between partners before tying the knot, and not rushing into marriage.
