Dear Counsellor, I am in my 30s and I have been working abroad for eight years but travel back once in a while. When I am in the country, I try to meet a woman who is serious about settling down but I have realised all who agree to date me are after my money. I have also tried dating African women abroad but I face the same problem. What should I do to get a woman who is ready to settle down and start a family? Matthew - Dear Matthew, I truly understand your frustration, however, it is important to note that searching for your dream woman is not as easy as you think. You will encounter many ‘hurdles’ long before you find your perfect match. This is a normal experience, don’t give up on your search till you find the woman you can see a future with. A woman who exhibits poor character, like asking for money frequently in a relationship, is only ‘doing business’ and is not a partner. Such women are commonly referred to as ‘gold-diggers’ — they only love you because your bank account is loaded. Although relationships do require financial stability, this shouldn’t be the driving factor on which the relationship is established. A woman who wants to settle down looks for a man of substance, not suspense, and will concentrate on building the intimacy based on love, trust, respect, honesty and faithfulness. You need more than just ‘a woman’ for your future wife. The right woman should be your best friend, or as youngsters like to say, your ‘ride or die’ — a woman who will be loyal to you at all costs and support you always. She will weather any storm with you. However, don’t be too picky, because there is nothing like the perfect woman. You don’t have to think alike, you just need chemistry and a mutual vision. The key is to first define the kind of woman you’re looking for, and then figure out the places where that kind of woman hangs out. Knowing where to find a dream partner is one of the keys to relationship success. Your workplace, seminars and workshops, parties and online dating sites are all venues. Package yourself in a way that defines your status without exhibiting enthusiasm for intimacy. This is because most men who show signs of an extremely high urge for sex are construed by women as ‘players’ who are on a ‘hit-and-run’ mission, hence, not seen as potential marriage partners. Similarly, don’t be quick to show the money factor as a way to win a woman’s heart. A woman who wants to settle down will appreciate and fall in love with you for who you are. Remember to treat a woman in a way that makes her feel special. This has nothing to do with money. It’s about loving and respecting her unconditionally and making her feel safe and happy with you. A man who knows what he wants and how to get it will get the woman of his dreams. Just remember to always be yourself. Look for this woman with your heart, and not just your eyes. Your feedback What should Matthew do? Readers offer their advice. Why do you attract the wrong women? Look at the kind of women you attract; how long do you date them? What do you want in a relationship? You should be in the position to know who is after money and who isn’t before things go too far. Philbert Habimana, Lecturer - Don’t be quick to judge Find out why these women ask for money, some may have genuine reasons, with no intentions of spending it on themselves. To be able to know this, you need to get to know the person better. Zuhura Uwimbabazi, Mother - Ask your friends for help It’s possible that the issue is with you; why do they all have a problem settling down? Talk to some of your closest friends, they can tell you what you are doing wrong. Seth Mukasa, Kigali resident - Do not be a miser A stingy man is a turn off for many women, and it seems like you have a problem spending money when dating. This could be the reason why women avoid you, so look into it and try to fix it. Eugenia Kamugisha, Parent - Why are they after money? Many women want partners who will boost their financial prospects, so you need to find out if these women are only after your money for their own ambitions. Mary Mutoni, Student -
