If you’re the type of person who is overly kind and nice, you may attract people who love you for what you offer, not for you. Although it is not always the case, it happens. During his TV talk show, Benjamin Zulu, a life coach and psychologist, said that sometimes many people play it cool in relationships when they are after money or gifts. If you buy them a car or purchase a plot of land for them, they will stay, not because they love you, but because you spoil them with gifts. In such scenarios, people are not selfish, it’s just that someone is soft and easy to use. Zulu said that some people are opportunists, if doors are open, they will take advantage. Such people don’t even have negative intentions at the start of the relationship, but when challenges such as financial needs press harder, and they believe their partner is in the position to ease this burden, they exploit that. He added that most people try so hard to be loved, a term he referred to as ‘overkill’ that they sacrifice salaries, construct their partner’s parents’ house and so forth. However, he explained that needy people don’t turn away from help, and in most cases accept an irritating dependence that they always want to be helped instead of developing themselves. “Some people actually receive the financial help silently and then show their friends that they’re independent. Doing parental duties for the people you claim to love puts you in ‘a parental category’, that’s why some men will even pay for you school fees. But once some people you have helped break away from dependence, their true colours are revealed as what was keeping them humble is no more,” he said. Zulu added that some partners put you in place that you can’t deny or reject them, and if you’re a materialist, you fall for their trap, and can’t leave them, even when you can’t stand them. He says, men usually want to take that path as a shortcut to win women’s attention by spending and buying them everything they want even when they don’t ask. Unfortunately, Zulu noted, that some women end up dating such men for pity or with hopes that love will develop along the way. He said to learn to put demarcations of what to expect from the time you start knowing someone to when you become exclusive. Zulu also said that when you love someone, it’s in nature to give them, but do what is in your means and that which is from the heart, instead of doing it to impress or show off. For him, a few things develop a loving relationship, such as respect, care, and appreciation. He discourages investing in someone too soon because they will hang around for the wrong reasons, and urges you to shun giving a lifestyle to someone that only you can sustain, as they will pretend with you and live real elsewhere. According to Sylvester Nyombi, a businessman and a father of one, you ought to expect kindness, respect, and warmth from the person you love, but if you start questioning if they love you, then that says a lot. He says that no matter how much fun a relationship is, if any of the partners doesn’t want to define it for fear of responsibility or whatever reason, they might be enjoying your company and friendship, but not you as their partner, which is why it’s necessary to know when to pull out instead of wasting time. Nyombi says that if they cover their guilt or wrongs with gifts instead of saying sorry, they could be wasting your time. This is because someone who loves and cares for you, notices when they’re wrong, and asks for forgiveness. ‘Gifts don’t take away the pain, unless they’re accompanied with an apology.’
