Domestic violence: When it's the men on the receiving end

While Rwandans are generally familiar with regular media reports about inhuman cases of domestic violence meted on women, the barrel appears to be turning to men. Cases of women subjecting men to domestic violence are on the increase. Why would a woman torture a man she has shared the same bed with for years and fathered her children? This is the question gender activists and experts are grappling with today as many men continue to be subjected to domestic violence by their spouses. According to the Police spokesperson, Chief Superintendent of Police, Celestin Twahirwa, though the number of women who are abused by men is still higher, the Police continues to receive cases where women are the perpetrators of abuse in homes. “It’s true. We receive cases of men who are actually being abused by their wives. We deal with the issue case by case because they differ. Some are property related, and others are those related to mistreatment. If a woman beats up a man and causes physical injury or even kills him, we arrest her. We do not take the cases lightly just because the perpetrator is a female,” Twahirwa says. He explains that men who experience abuse are not as quick as women to report to the authorities. Edouard Munyamaliza; the Executive Secretary of Rwanda Men’s Resource Center says they receive cases of men who are domestically abused by their wives. Some men accuse their wives of psychologically torturing them; others physically push them around while others cause physical injuries. Most of the men choose to keep quiet about the abuse. “The cases that are brought to us mostly concern psychological torture and issues related to property. People may not take it seriously but women who emotionally abuse their husbands always end up traumatising them,” he says. Munyamaliza explains that looking at domestic violence critically; one will find it interesting to know that what leads men to abuse their wives or partners is the same reason that leads women to do the same. “How do people end up being abusers? It all depends on character. How one was raised, what they were taught especially when it comes to behaviour towards people of the other gender and generally everyone. Some women tend to be violent towards their men because they are probably financially superior, the factors are really many,” he says. Most men are embarassed to report the violence. Net photo. According to Munyamaliza, research carried out in 2013 in Rwanda found out that 10% -15% of men are victims of domestic violence. We also found out that most men usually don’t report such cases. I think that no matter how small the percentage of reported cases is, there shouldn’t be tolerance of even a single person subjecting others to violence,” he says However, Munyamaliza says that not all hope is lost. “There are strategies that are being put in place to serve as preventive measures for both women and men. One is through sensitization of spouses to desist from domestic violence and embrace love. Another programme which is being put in place will focus on general transformation which helps couples in transforming their relationships,” he says What men say Christian Uwimana believes that women who assault their men are motivated by something big because he doesn’t think a woman can do such a thing out of the blue. “Women are calm and the weaker sex by nature. For a woman to reach an extent of acting violently there has to be something really bad and extreme that is behind her actions. Maybe she has endured too much and eventually she feels it’s time to fight back,” Uwimana says. What women say Noella Umutoni says that domestic abuse is wrong regardless of what gender the victim is. She argues that women are in most cases incapable of inflicting severe damage on men because of their nature but still acknowledges that women too can be violent. Aline Mukandutiye says that male victims of domestic violence don’t come out to report such cases. “Women are most times thought of being incapable to seriously hurt their spouses, but they do, in fact some men have opted out of marriage because of abusive women,” Mukandutiye says. She gives an example of a woman who caught her husband cheating, and resorted to psychological torture as a way of paying him back. “She stopped cooking for the man. She always came back at home in the middle of the night, she moved to a bedroom, and stopped talking to the man. When the man tried to approach her for forgiveness, she threw a cup of tea at him. I think if one is tired of their spouse to such an extent, it’s better to file for divorce instead of resorting to the unthinkable,” Mukandutiye advises. Research Violence, whether against men or women can be traumatising. (Net photos) Research on domestic violence has revealed that many couples have literally taken a common saying that (in-house matters should stay within the home) too serious. Consequently couples stay in violent homes silently for years just to fit within the cultural and society norms. Psychiatrists warn that this trend has kept domestic violence under the wraps until it explodes out in form of homicides, infanticide and suicide. According to psychiatrists, some women abuse their husbands after long periods of being tortured by the same men. Paul Nyende, a lecturer at the department of mental health and community psychology at Makerere University, Uganda, was quoted in an earlier interview with Uganda’s New Vision newspaper saying that spousal violence by women has a lot to do with anger, rivalry and misunderstandings. Nyende said for a woman to torture or even kill the husband, usually they have gone through tremendous abuse, have been bartered, trampled on and denied their rightful position in a home by the same man. Neil Websdale explored the subject and published the article Reviewing Domestic Violence Deaths (National Institute of Justice Journal, no. 250, November 2003). He found that battered women often contemplate homicide or suicide because they see no other escape from the cycle of abuse, and that as many as a third of women who do commit homicide each year have been abused by a male partner. editorial@newtimes.co.rw *************************** Do you believe that men are also victims of domestic violence? Margret Uwimana Margret Uwimana It’s not common to find men being victims of domestic violence but it happens sometimes. Some women tend to think they are superior to men in all ways and even when they abuse them; men tend to keep the matter to themselves. In my opinion, men should also try to speak out like women once their rights are abused. Jean Pierre Harerimana Jean Pierre Harerimana I mainly attribute it to gender balance. Although, gender balance is a good initiative that we all appreciate, some women misunderstand it and think that it means doing whatever they want. This is so wrong but thanks to programmes like Umugoroba W’ababyeyi, things are slowly coming back to normal. Justin Rwabahizi Justin Rwabahizi Men can also be victims of domestic abuse but the highlight is that men know how to make their voices heard. In my opinion, I think domestic abuse against men is something minor that usually comes about as a result of small misunderstanding between a wife and husband. Joyce Nyirabagande Joyce Nyirabagande It’s hard to believe that a woman can actually assault their husband. I don’t know if it happens but even if it does, I think it’s a rare case, for a lady to be that hostile to that extent of hitting or doing something so terrible to her husband. Teddy Muhawenimana Teddy Muhawenimana It certainly does happen just that men don’t make a big deal out of it. Women today are totally different and are capable of doing almost anything whether positive or negative. I know most people think that its only women who are violated in homes, but that’s not it, men too suffer silently. Men also need their voices to be heard, just like it’s done for women. Cyprien Nkundimana Cyprien Nkundimana Men do face domestic violence, though they are not as many as female victims. What makes the whole issue complicated is that men rarely take such matters to the authorities and instead decide to keep them to themselves in fear of the possible embarrassment. This is really dangerous because in the end, it creates a breeding ground for something even more dangerous. Compiled by Dennis Agaba

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Domestic violence: When it's the men on the receiving end