Relationships: The ex that won’t leave you alone

After dating for five years, Rita’s relationship with Chris ended when she caught him cheating on her with her best friend. “I didn’t want to discuss anything about it. Finding out that my boyfriend was sleeping with my best friend bad enough. I was so heart broken but I decided handle it maturely, ended my relationship with both of them and move on with my life. But Chris refused to accept my decision to quit the relationship,” Rita , 26, a receptionist says. “But I don’t know why Chris has refused to completely give up on me. I asked him to stop calling me but he refused. He kept calling me apologising but I had already made up my mind about him. So I decided to change my phone number and shift to a new house. At least I have peace now. He no longer calls me and I have never seen him again.” When people try to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend they sometimes have a hard time getting the other person to accept the breakup and leave them alone. The ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend may do things like call repeatedly or late at night or send unwanted e-mails. Some will do these things because they hope that maintaining contact will help get the relationship back together; others will be hoping that they can convince their former partner to start the relationship again; others are expressing their anger and frustration. Sometimes the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is simply annoying, but other times can be frightening or dangerous. According to Jeffrey Haugaard, a professor in the Department of Human Development at the New York College of Human Ecology, this kind of behaviour is referred to as “intrusive contact” since one person is intruding in an unwanted way into another person’s life. “Intrusive contact occurs when someone intentionally contacts or tries to contact you when you have asked that there be no contact.” “The contact can be personal, such as phoning or visiting, or can involve leaving messages or sending e-mails. Sometimes it can be difficult to know whether your ex’s attempts to contact you are just a normal part of relationships or whether they are wrong,” continues Haugaard. “However, certain types of behaviors from your ex are always wrong. It is not right for your ex to contact you by doing things that would normally be wrong–for example, calling you very late at night.” “Dealing with intrusive contact includes setting reasonable limits on the contact that your ex has with you. Although you cannot expect your ex to change friends, or where he or she hangs out to avoid being near you, you can set limits on direct contact such as phone calls, talking face-to-face, or visiting,” Haugaard advises. “If you try to put unreasonable limits on your ex, he or she may simply get mad and refuse to follow the limits. If the limits are unreasonable, then your attempts to make limits may not succeed, which can increase the problems you are having with your ex.” Once you have set limits, stick to them. If you say “no phone calls,” then you cannot talk with your ex if he or she calls–not even once. If, for example, you finally get fed-up with your ex phoning and you pick up the phone the eighth time that your ex calls, then your ex will learn, “If I keep calling, she (or he) will eventually pick up the phone and talk with me.” If you pick up the phone the twenty-fifth time your ex calls, you will be teaching your ex that if he (or she) keeps calling and calling and calling, you will eventually break down and pick up the phone. It is also good to consult your friends and family about the problem, they could be a source of good advice. If all amicable ways of resolving your hostile relationship with your ex- partner fail, seek legal advice or report the matter to the police. ubernie@gmail.com