Kigali is like Las Vegas when it comes to dating, all glitzy prizes and fast life, and a bit like Vegas it is not all it seems on closer inspection. On offer is a lifetime of happiness or misery depending on your luck.

At this gambling table you will not know whether you’ve won until on your deathbed. The prizes are glittering but might lose their shine with time, the game is high-stakes, and you bet your life, health, house and money.

It is ironic that every silver lining has a cloud; people who win the lottery often express a feeling of emptiness after the elation of the win.

Whenever you go to a wedding you see around five guys who all had the winning ticket, but lost it or forgot to claim their prize. So your friend wins the lotto, but has he really won? For that you have to wait and see, till then you get back in the draw.

I thought when I arrived in Rwanda that I would win the lottery, but I’ve never really bought a ticket.

So the prizes on offer kind of correlate to the price of the ticket, don’t buy an economy ticket and expect to win the grand prize, that prize is for high-rollers and you can lose everything playing that game.

I once lost a ticket to a guy who stole it; he didn’t know how much this ticket would cost him. Soon he was selling his cars just to keep this ticket; he had to enter the draw every week.

So tailor your expectations in life to what you can afford. But there is something for everyone in Kigali.

Platinum Package – This costs more than just money, it costs commitment and money. That is expensive both emotionally and financially, but the rewards are worth it. It is lifetime of happiness (optional) and financial security.

There are certain women I look at in Kigali and know if I ever had a child with her; the child would be guaranteed a Harvard or Oxford degree from birth.

Just our combined mental and financial resources would give the child a head-start in life. It would all be about whether you could stay together and not let your careers get in the way. The first hurdle is fulfilling all the various criteria required in money, power and status.

Gold Package – This is the goal of most guys, the women in the platinum package are untouchable and too complicated mentally. Satisfaction is guaranteed with Gold with all the basics met - good looks, education, regular church attendance, good manners and a patient demeanour.

With girls in the platinum package you have to forgo certain things like that – you know she’ll be rude, put you down and destroy you but you signed for platinum.

With gold you get a better customised option, she is willing to change but demands change of you as well. With platinum it is take it or leave, she’ll do well without you, you’re just an accessory.

Silver Package – This is also customisable but with fewer options, you forgo a few options like good looks, family connections, education.

But, the silver package is always good on good manners, loads of patience; they need to believe in you. The silver package can be upgraded to gold and can even be better than gold.

All these packages are only valid on purchase; you can win a platinum package that fades into silver, or a gold package that goes up or down.

The best thing about silver, it comes with a lifetime supply of optimism – gold is always trying to maintain, platinum is never happy, silver always believes in a brighter future.
Bronze Package – This just has the basic reproductive rewards with few other options.

So keep trying and eventually you will win this Tombola and get the package you like. You can even get multiple packages, multiple tickets and sit back and see if you win.

Simply buy your ticket, scratch the card and wait the rest of your life to see if you have won. Sometimes the win is obvious, other times it can be hard to tell if you’ve won, but you are the judge.

Ends