Rwanda’s rising divorce rate may strike many as paradoxical. Our society is deeply religious, with more than 90% of the population identifying as Christian. Marriage continues to be socially prized and family life is cherished.

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And yet, the National Institute of Statistics of Rwanda reports that four out of every 10 new couples divorce within a decade. This finding invites us to confront an uncomfortable question. If marriage remains highly valued, why are so many unions failing?

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Divorce is always more complicated than a single explanation can capture. But in Rwanda’s case, at least three factors: societal pressures around marriage, couples rushing into committed relationships without assessing compatibility, and children growing up in households replete with violence, are worth considering.

Societal pressures

In Rwanda, there is a point in life when the question, "When are you getting married?” begins to follow you everywhere. While the exact timing varies based on gender and social setting, the pressure is widespread. In urban areas, where divorce rates are the highest, marriage is often seen as the next step after university. The assumption is not always that one is ready, but that one is due.

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This pressure to marry on a pre-set schedule can have severe consequences. For example, some people may marry before they are financially stable or emotionally mature. Others may do so too early with neither partner having the capacity to sustain the rigours of family life. These complications can be more destabilizing in cities given the high cost of living and limited support networks.

It does not help that many newlyweds enter marriage with expectations of maintaining or exceeding the living standards of their family home at the get-go. However, this may not be a realistic goal because that milestone would most likely have taken decades for their parents to achieve. Consequently, the result is tension, resentment, and bitter quarrels about money.

These expectations are intensified by public scrutiny as newly married couples are closely observed and quietly judged; gossip becomes another form of social pressure. In response, some couples stretch their finances beyond their means to maintain appearances. Therefore, it is unsurprising that financial disputes are cited among the most common drivers of divorce.

Inadequate compatibility checks

With this pressure to get married on schedule, many couples may not take the time to interrogate their compatibility in core elements that shape family life. These include: financial management, career goals, views on children, sexual expectations, household responsibilities, and religious beliefs.

While in the past, this would not have necessarily led to the dissolution of unions, today, young people expect marriages to be more than functional. They want companionship, emotional safety, and romantic fulfilment.

This is not a trivial change. Previously, people coped with strained, difficult or even loveless marriages by relying on adages such as "Nuko zubakwa” (that is how marriages are built). With changing expectations on what marriage should offer, this is no longer a sufficient anchor for long-lasting unions.

Furthermore, similarity and compatibility are not the same thing. While it is well established that relationships built upon shared backgrounds generally fare better than their varied counterparts, this alone is not enough.

Yet, it is commonly assumed that similar backgrounds, such as social standing and religious identity, automatically translate into successful marriages. The fact that individuals go to the same church, for example, does not necessarily make them a match made in heaven. Some people may be individually admirable but fundamentally ill-suited as a pair.

Intrahousehold conflict

The first school where people learn how to treat their spouses is their family of origin. But unfortunately, a 2019 national survey showed that 46% of ever-married women and 18% of ever-married men had experienced physical, sexual, or emotional violence from their spouses. In other words, many children grow up in homes marked by conflict and violence.

Consequently, they may learn that disagreements are resolved through verbal insults, shouting or even leaving the family for days; commonly known as "kwahukana.” When these children eventually form their own families, it is highly likely that they will adopt these same behaviours. This reproduces cycles of abuse - a major factor for the disintegration of unions.

It is possible for these behaviours to be unlearned. It is essential that people who were exposed to abusive environments seek help such as counselling ahead of getting married.

A crying call for change

The increasing divorce rate is a crying call to reflect on how we can nurture unions that will last.

This does not mean that the past should be romanticized. Lower divorce rates in older generations are not necessarily a reflection of healthier marriages. Many unions persevered due to economic reasons or the fear of social backlash that comes with being a divorcee.

With the increase in higher education and employment opportunities, especially for women, more individuals are able to leave intolerable relationships. Thus, the rising divorce rate not only reflects relational breakdowns but also changing thresholds for what people are willing to endure.

If we work to reduce societal pressures around marriage, take time to know prospective partners and make an effort to unlearn unhealthy behaviours, then we can start to shift the mindset from "Nuko zubakwa” to "Nuko ziramba” – that is how marriages last.

The writer is a Rhodes Scholar and a PhD student in Clinical Neurosciences at the University of Oxford’s Centre for Global Epilepsy.