I have been following reports of birds turning against their partners and taking their lives with concern. What have these birds started smoking lately? I have started haharing! One of these days you might be told that yours truly has been sent to the land of his ancestors because if this trend continues I am afraid I might not be the one to survive because of my constant contact with birds.

First it was the shocking news that one of the most respected bird hunters of the region, a guy whose hunting escapades took him to the land of the one and only Kuku Ngbendo wa Zabanga where he tried to mix bird hunting and warfare and only managed to triumph in the former.

After identifying his prowess in bird hunting, the bird hunting general never looked back. He went on a hunting spree and actually became a professional hunter and forgot all about soldiering.

But in the line of hunting, the hunter tried to mix soldiering and hunting and before he knew it, he had become past tense. Knowing the guy, he did underestimate ‘the strength of a woman’ and lived by the illusion that only a bullet could fell him.

But alas! A mere bird dispatched him to the next world. But before we could recover from the shock, we heard another report from the same land where a bird also forcefully sent another hunter, this time a violent hunter, to the next world.

Then we heard of birds in the land of Migingo, but this time down at the coast, where birds had finally woken up to reality and decided to embrace literacy.

Their reason was that they had realized that their guys were doing some money business on their mobile phones by way of the phenomenon called SMS.

They claimed that whenever home the guyz fingers were always busy on their phone’s keyboard and this was often followed by them departing and staying out for long.

The birds’ plan is to go to school and once they learn to read and write, they will be able to ‘decipher’ the messages received by their guys and this way they will be able to know what exactly is going on. This is trouble brewing for sure.

But before we could declare these incidents simply endemic to the land of bananas and the land of migingo, we heard of reports from the land of 1k hills where a bird in Gisozi had dispatched a hunter in pretty much the same fashion.

That is when I was alarmed because this was becoming an epidemic. Since then I have changed my hunting tactics lest I be dispatched in the same way.

I know of so many birds that would be very much interested in wiping me off the face of this earth if they got the opportunity because of my ‘multi party’ hunting policy.

These days I have adopted a softer approach and before I embark on a hunting expedition I have to be quite cautious so as not to ruffle any feathers.

These events have rendered bird hunting a tedious and trying venture since one now has to employ psychology and jungle survival instincts in order to survive.

Now you have to know how to read the bird’s mind, character etc in order to detect a potentially explosive bird beforehand.  By deploying all my mental faculties, I have managed to start detecting violent traits in birds and this has enabled me avoid trouble on several occasions.

I would like to share with you some of the tips on how to detect these traits in a bird. The first detection technique is to look direct in a bird’s eye when you meet her.

If she looks back at you as if she is asking "what the hell are you staring at?” then run as fast as you can because that one right there has very lose fuses that can go off any time.

Second, if you have a proggie with a bird and then you come late and she just grabs her bag and leaves you there looking like a dumbo, just let her go and say "good riddance” because you are actually lucky she did not bring down a bottle on your forehead. Then there is the quiet type who will just say nothing.

For example you find her with your phone reading a message from another bird that is quite suggestive and she just hands you the phone and only makes a quiet throttle sound, then, please, start making your exit plan because this one is a very dangerous species of birds; actually even more dangerous than all the other two types that I have mentioned. So, please,  hunt safely, things have changed.

Ends