I recently attended a gathering of breast cancer survivors and patients at the Pink House, the Breast Cancer Initiative East Africa (BCIEA). It is an understatement to say I went through all my emotions as I listened to one after another share their unique experiences, some frightful.

I have a great deal of respect, pride, and sympathy for these brave people. Sometimes compassion makes me want to do anything I can to relieve their suffering. Other times, I feel shame for every time I was insensitive to them or anyone else who is going through a particularly trying situation, whether emotional or physical.

One of the most difficult aspects of being a breast cancer patient or survivor, they all said, was having to put up with insensitive or indiscrete comments from others, particularly friends and relatives. It should be noted that this is not exclusive to them. We may often come off insensitive, however, unintentionally.

Being insensitive is defined as showing or feeling little concern for the feelings of others. Even if unintentional, the recipient (of the comment or action) may be led to interpret them wrongly.

Here are some pointers on how to identify or avoid being insensitive in your words or behaviour:

Be mindful of language and context

Marie Goreth Uwimana, a breast cancer patient, described how she was put in an awkward situation when someone asked if her breasts had been cut/removed or not.

This was asked of her in a typical Kinyarwanda chat between two Rwandan women. In Rwanda, having mutilated breasts, or ‘gucibwa amabere’, is an insult reserved for someone who is so deceitful and so does not deserve to be a mother.

In Rwandan culture, being a mother or a parent figure is regarded as a great honour or simply a blessing. One whom you love or are very grateful for, you wish them to have children. So being told or asked such a thing, publicly, can only be hurtful for a breast cancer patient who didn’t even call this upon themselves.

Also, undergoing mastectomy (surgical operation to remove breasts), is not a mark of shame, nor does it disqualify a woman from being a mother or from being acknowledged as one if she is.

Let’s be mindful of what certain words represent in a specific language or context, and apply proper terminology, especially when it comes to medical conditions like mastectomy.

Listen more and carefully

Most of the time, we are too absorbed in our own stories, problems, or appearances that we end up saying something offensive or joke out loudly, hurting our friends, family members, or even passing strangers.

They could probably be walking around with heavy baggage, which we could help them with if only we paid a little bit more attention to them, changes in their expressions, voice tone, or any other indication that they are becoming uncomfortable with what we say.

Avoid comparing your problems with those of others

Ever heard of ‘at least only your phone was stolen, but all my clothes were taken as well, and I was left with nothing’? This is only an example, but you’ve definitely heard or said something similar to help others grasp the gravity of your situation. Doing it while invalidating others’ may not be the best way to go about it. 

It’s true that your problem is significant, but keep in mind that other people’s problems are just as serious, no matter how minor they appear to you. Comparisons make us come off as cold-hearted people when we invalidate other people’s sentiments, illnesses, or concerns.

PS: Don’t make jokes or comments about a specific aspect of your friend’s life that makes them uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if it’s a haircut, a scar, height, a story, or anything else. Otherwise, you’re a bully, not a fun friend like many of us would like to believe. They’re not overly sensitive; you’re just too insensitive.