It’s a cool thing to have happy vibes. However, it’s one thing to have a sunny disposition on life and pretending to have one.
Pain is pain, it’s agonising. No one likes that, and so most of us try to sidestep it, even if it means ignoring it and replacing it with other feelings that seem much more bearable to us.
But is this healthy? Could it be that our health needs the bad as much as it does the good experiences in life?
In his book, ‘The subtle art of not giving a f**k: A counterintuitive approach to living a good life’, Mark Manson notes that any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires.
The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame.
Author and motivational speaker, Machrine Uwayezu, says there are two kinds of people on this. First, there are people who fight to be happy just because they don’t want to feel sad or deal with the sad situation they find themselves into, "I can say they’re afraid of dealing with the reality so they choose to ignore what they are truly feeling (which is not good thing on one side).”
We need to feel sad and let ourselves feel what we are feeling because there’s no shame in that, she says.
The second kind are those who fight hard to be happy and live with the principle of ‘I have to always see good in bad things’ (which is a good thing on one side). For them, fighting hard to stay happy even in a sad situation helps them cope—staying happy no matter what, is like a remedy that helps them keep going.
"So I think fighting to be happy is a good thing one side, and bad on another,” Uwayezu explains.
She adds that since some people don’t want empathy and pity from others; they think that not showing that they’re sad is an act of strength and because of this; they hide their sadness or grief behind the fake happy face which sometimes leads to depression.
Others also decide that because they don’t have someone to share their problems with or that no one will listen to them, they choose to keep everything to themselves and instead pretend with a happy face.
What this does, it robs someone of the right to feel what they are actually feeling and keeps these bad feelings harboured in them, Uwayezu notes.
"I say, we have to let ourselves feel what we are feeling. We should fight to be happy but not forget that we are humans too, we have to feel sad and experience the negative feelings and situations in life.”
Looking on the bright side, the motivational speaker thinks fighting for positivity is actually a good thing.
"A wise man once told me, you have to consider the good things that are actually happening in a bad situation. But if those bad things keep happening repeatedly, you’ve to shift your focus and consider finding a solution,” Uwazeyu says.
She, hence, says that the best way of dealing with the bad experiences is knowing that nothing really lasts, so stay strong and keep fighting to overcome those bad experiences because after the rain, there is always a bright day.
"An actor once said in a movie that ‘when you expect disappointment you don’t get disappointed,’ and I felt that. You have to enjoy the good things but also expect that anything can happen at any time.
In his opinion, Victor Mupenzi, a life coach and mentor, it’s not right to force yourself to feel anything.
He says, you can be sad and control yourself but you cannot be sad and force yourself to be happy. "Let me give you an example of our country; it is developing at a high speed, I mean, look at pictures. Kigali is a beauty, if I compare it to some of the countries I have been to. Everyone wants to visit the cleanest country, the hype, the news, and the photos of people who already made it in life. So, Rwandan citizens, mostly young people want to keep up with this social media craze. They want to be perfect, develop faster like the country, and some end up pretending.
"There is this life on social media everyone wants to have, and there is also this life (not that good) everyone has. So if you want something so bad and you are not in position to get it, you will be devastated. (Depression will knock you down right here), you have been seeing news, suicide has become rampant, especially among young people. They are not getting the life they are sharing on social media; girls are unhappy to not live like Shaddy Boo, Kate Bashabe and more. Boys are depressed, they can’t afford gym to get in shape, be handsome, buy cars and take photos in the cleanest city. That’s why some of them are unhappy.”
Mupenzi says this is going to continue unless something is done about it. To teach them, remind them every day that if you want to be happy, first, you need to accept you; the life you have and love it. And if you are not proud of it, work hard to change it.
Reflecting on the point of parading ‘a happy life,’ he says it’s okay to be sad, but it’s not okay to let it control you.
Control the situation with your mind, because you decide what to do with the pain. Good moments; enjoy them but don’t let them describe you. Everything in life is temporary, enjoy while it lasts and prepare your mind for whatever comes your way, he says.
"Yes sometimes it’s hard and difficult to handle but talk to someone, your friends or someone you trust. There are also people, like me, who have decided to listen to people. I think and believe if we learn how to control our minds, what to do with our thoughts, think twice before we put our decisions into actions, we will have a better life.”