"It's the bounce that counts! Picking ourselves up after life's hurdle.” (Tessa Bielecki, ‘Urban Hermit’)
I live here in the relatively temperate climate of Rwanda and for the last two years of heightened isolation and seclusion during the Covid pandemic, one of the main things that has kept me grounded, sane and happy has been working every day out on my hillside terrace, overlooking Kiyovu, Kinunga and Kicukiro.
I particularly enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the heavy thunderstorms during rainy season, the squeals and sobs of little children playing next door and the calls of the many different kinds of birds up in the trees and on the rooftops, even the obnoxious hadada ibis.
So it came as quite a shock when "the sounds of birds chirping” was the first reason given for a new client in the UK to fire me after only 52 minutes of an initial two-hour online workshop that I was leading for them last year. The focus of the session was rather ironically on being more ‘inclusive’ in recruitment practices.
I was furious at first but then instead of wallowing in my own righteous anger and self-pity at this outrageous injustice, I realized that I needed to practice what I preach to my coaching clients and not just bounce ‘back’ from this unexpected humiliation but, as the professional services firm Deloitte says, bounce ‘forward’.
Bouncing ‘back’ implies that you are just returning to the previous state of where you were before something went wrong. Bouncing ‘forward’ suggests that you have integrated this bad experience and you can now move proactively into the future with new insights, courage and determination.
Or as Deloitte says: bouncing forward is the ability to "exist in stability on the other side of adversity.”
To me, there are four stages to ‘bouncing forward’ from any kind of professional (and personal) setback, whether you have been suddenly fired; your seemingly justified request for a new career opportunity, promotion or pay raise has been denied; or the long-term project you have been leading has not had the desired results.
I call it the FACE model:
1. Feel emotions
- Rejection, exclusion or humiliation can bring up strong feelings, which need to be acknowledged, digested and dissipated rather than ignored, suppressed or discounted.
- This process can take hours, days, weeks or even months, depending on the level of adversity and your personality and circumstances. Avoid rushing it but also avoid over-indulging it.
2. Analyse events
- When you are ready, begin to think about what happened. What really happened?
- Instead of blaming others, look at what your role was in all of this.
- Did you actively, if unconsciously, contribute to the negative event and if so, how?
- Could the event have been avoided?
- What did you learn from all of this?
- Will all of this really matter in five years’ time?
3. Collect ideas
- Read, do research and reflect on what to do differently and on how to avoid such a situation in future.
- Get input from trusted advisors, mentors, colleagues, friends and family.
- If appropriate and you are ready and open, engage the other people involved in the incident to apologize and/or seek an apology (if you feel it is necessary) and then get more of their perspective on what could and should have happened.
- Focus on the things that you can change and accept and let go of the (bad) things (and people) that you can’t.
4. Enact change
- Start with yourself and change your own attitude towards work goals, engagements, challenges, styles, relationships, etc.
- Commit yourself to always doing the best you can and working for the global good. Not just yourself.
- Take bold and decisive action to protect yourself and others from future adversity that can be avoided. Some can’t.
I applied this FACE model to the ‘chirping bird’ fiasco and as a result, I resolved and implemented the following actions:
- Trust both my research and my gut more when engaging with a new client, especially if they have a checkered past, they seem to be very controlling and/or I feel that they are not sincere about sustainable change (as was all the case with this particular client). Or conversely, if they seem be too good to be true.
- Be open and willing to collaborate with new partners but avoid trying to please them too much if my own values or other existing commitments or relationships might be compromised or harmed in any way.
- Clarify expectations right from the start and identify ‘non-negotiables’ on both sides.
- Distinguish clearly what I want to do, what I should do and what I am willing to do.
- If none of the above adds up and the gaps are too great, simply decline politely and walk away.
As for the chirping birds themselves, I should probably go indoors for any first session with a new client to help avoid any potential distractions. But that’s still a tough compromise for me, particularly when I have a session starting at sunset. So I have found another way to silence the birds during any online presentation outside: I suspend their Twitter account! J
The views expressed in this column are entirely those of the writer who can be reached at jeremy@jeremysolomons.com