I told a friend that nowadays, too many people are dying, his response to me was that people have been dying for a while and that I’m just more aware of the occurrences. "It is probably now happening more often in your circle, but death is a daily dilemma,” he added. 

I suppose he is right, but the conversation triggered something I have always thought about, that death, sad as it is, is worse for the people left to mourn. It’s common for people to have pity on someone who died, but at the end of the day, the real pain remains with those the person left behind. 

Also, many people don’t know how to react in such moments, the words somehow never feel enough, if at all there are any. I often hear people say, what do you say exactly to someone who is mourning? ‘Sorry for your loss’, ‘my condolences’, ‘my thoughts are with you during this time’, ‘praying for you’, are just some of the things people say. We panic to find the right words to console someone. There’s just sorrow, confusion and nobody handed over a guide on how to go about this. 

How do you show support?

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to offer support to a grieving relative, friend or colleague. We may be afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing at all, which can leave the bereaved person feeling isolated and alone, it says in article published by Better Health. 

"If you haven’t experienced the death of a loved one, you may have unrealistic expectations of how the grieving person should feel, or how quickly they should return to the activities of daily living, or get on with their life,” the author goes on to say. 

Not too long ago, a friend (who asked for anonymity) recently lost her mother whom she was very close to. We know this by how often she would mention her in our conversations, and how much she enjoyed hanging with her, more than anybody else. Sadly, when she passed on, it was a shock to all of us and we didn’t know what to do, except go over and be there for her. It was all we could do. She later shared with me how she chose to look at life, now months after her mother’s death.

"I haven’t yet come to terms with it, but from what I was told by friends, you just have to accept the fact that they’re no longer here. When you get a chance to talk about them, do so. Ask the Lord to fill the gap they left in your heart, and pray for their souls, it will bring you peace.

"I hate when someone calls me an orphan because I feel like I still have my mom, even though I can’t touch or talk to her, but I feel her presence spiritually. I will always love her, and I make sure no one forgets her beautiful existence. She won’t miss my graduation or my marriage, all those special occasions I will share with her, I will stand by her grave, and visit as much as I can. I will keep her alive in me by doing things she taught and told me. She will be the first person I tell about my adventures, show her my GPA every semester as usual, and so on.

"Even after her life here ended, she remains my greatest person of all time. I hope to one day start my own family and be the ‘mamita’ she was for me, for her grandchildren,” she said in a long text.

In the article ‘Coping with grief and loss” published by Help Guide, there are five stages of grief; 

• Denial: This can’t be happening to me.

• Anger: Why is this happening? Who is to blame?

• Bargaining: Make this not happen, and in return, I will …

• Depression: I’m too sad to do anything.

• Acceptance: I’m at peace with what happened.

Kübler-Ross in her book ‘Death with Dignity’ spoke on the five stages of grief: "They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to grief that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Religion, friends, colleagues, family, therapists, and many others, can help one cope, and most of us have turned to them when death hits hard, especially with no warning. However, when trying to deal with the grief, here are a few things to consider;

● Don’t ignore the pain: Find ways to let it out; whether through sharing with people, crying, journaling, or any other way that works for you, but let it out!

● There’s no specific time for grieving, take your own time to mourn and celebrate your person. 

● Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. We can keep memories, all the while moving on with life.

How to help a bereaved person in the first few days

In Better Health’s article, suggestions on how to help a bereaved person in the first few days include:

● Contact the bereaved person as soon as possible after their loved one’s death. This contact could be a personal visit, telephone call, text message, sympathy card or flowers.

● Attend the funeral or memorial service if you can. They need to know that you care enough to support them through this difficult event.

● Offer your support and ask them how they would like you to support them.

● Listen to them if they want to open up to you and try to suspend all judgement.

There are many things you can do or say to help, but remember that everyone’s experience of grief is different. Some of your thoughts and suggestions may be appropriate and others may not be. If you’re unsure of how to support someone who is grieving, ask them to tell you what they need or want. Just letting them know that you care and wish to help can provide great comfort, the article states.