"Dating an emotionally immature person is complicated. I was excited and in love, until things didn’t make sense anymore. I overlooked them because I was looking at the bigger picture, hoping that maybe he would change, so the more I hang in there, the more I hurt myself. I had to let go.
"I was dating a person whose mood swings were way beyond getting used to; imagine a person who would get angry at almost anything,” says Umuringa.
Umuringa notes that her fiancé always wanted them to spend time together, even when he knew that there were other things to attend to. Even worse, he would badmouth his ex-girlfriend often, a thing she found so immature.
"He felt his ideas were the best, and so he never wanted any advice from anyone, and to make matters worse, he questioned my every move, which showed lack of trust,” she says.
Like Umuringa, many people are cautious about being in a relationship for various reasons. Experts say that emotional immaturity can be present in any person regardless of age—if they have not matured mentally.
Dating is not just about falling in love, there are many things to consider, starting with the character of the person you are dating. Which is why you ought to choose wisely.
Red flags have to be noticed and addressed to move forward, as counsellors say that when certain habits are ignored while dating, it can ruin the relationship in the future.
Benjamin Zulu, a life coach and psychologist, explains in one of his YouTube videos that it is important to start a relationship with a person you have free flowing conversations with. If you don’t have similar values or clash about everything, then don’t bother taking it any further.
He adds that people with no ‘financial manners’ are a ‘no-go zone’. For instance, they bargain on everything until you’re embarrassed, even on items with fixed or prices like soda, bread and more.
Some of the good traits are generosity; people who offer tips for service. And people who do not look down on others, rather, they treat people with respect regardless of their differences.
He also suggests not dating a stingy person, or anyone with alcohol, gambling, or partying addiction potential. This is because addicts are not in charge of their lives. The addiction is.
"Another thing to take seriously is organisation and cleanliness. People may look smart and you won’t know what their houses look like. Don’t get into a relationship before you visit the person you’re dating, a number of times. Sometimes, the visit should be abrupt to see who they really are. If their house is a space for cockroaches and rats, once you get married it won’t be any different,” he says.
The life coach advises to be with someone who values their word because if they lie over small things, they can’t be trusted with big ones.
He also highlights that you can’t build anything with a person who refuses to be questioned. Go for someone who takes responsibility and apologies when they make a mistake. "People who don’t own up to their mistakes are a tricky lot.”
Siddhartha S, an author and professional motivational speaker, in one of his articles, warns against dating ‘emotional dumpers’. The basic reason why these people are in a relationship is because they need someone for their emotional dumps. The people who date them get to hear about every problem these people are facing in life. They complain about their friends, enemies, work, clients, and bosses.
"If you try to recommend a solution to their problems, they get irritated. They are in love with their misery and measure your love based on how much emotional dump you can take from them,” the author says.
According to an article published by Insider, people with narcissistic personality disorder can never love anyone since they are self-obsessed. They only find joy in creating chaos for everyone else and feel superior in watching them crumble. To make a relationship with a narcissist work, there are many sacrifices you’ll have to make — and even then there’s no guarantee.
The aforemenioned article also suggests staying away from highly paranoid people. ‘They are unable to relax and are usually jealous and controlling. Paranoid people always think someone is out to get them, or that their partner is cheating on them. Sometimes, this means they stop their partner going out with friends, or even their family.’