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In ancient times, it was mandatory for a girl to be counselled by ‘aunties’ on a number of issues before marriage. The girls were advised on how to behave, welcome visitors, cleanliness, how to treat a man, cook, and so forth.

Whereas it was considered something for the girls, studies reveal that premarital counselling for couples is an effective tool to use as they enter married life. Researchers have discovered that it is a helpful way to improve communication and conflict management skills, while increasing the overall relationship quality and satisfaction. 

Is the role aunties in advising and counselling women before they get married still necessary today? What about the men? A few people share their views: 

Innocent Kabera, a family counsellor at Ayina Think Tank Company in Kimironko, says that women need counselling, not just before, but when marriage too.

"Today, people do not care to go to their aunties, some feel like it’s outdated, and others think that they know it all. But what is really outdated is the approach that people used to have on this kind of ritual. Of course, their aunties do not know it all, but they have got some experience,” he says.

Kabera adds that aunties can be counsellors in case guidance is needed. Alternatively, there are plenty of resources that can strengthen one’s marriage, for instance; books, therapists or counsellors, and so much more. He says that one can be counselled about marriage even by a friend.

"Did you know that you can even have a friend, wiser and more experienced than an aunt?” he says.

Bruno Ark Agaba, a philanthropist based in Kigali, says wisdom is God-given, but it can be passed on from generation to generation. Girls visiting their aunties is not a bad idea as learning good practices is ideal.

However, he notes that it shouldn’t be compulsory since there are many ways to get information today compared to traditional society.

Jackie Lumbasi, a media personality, is of the view that girls have been ‘visiting their aunties’ before getting married for ages, however, men too have to ‘visit their uncles’ before marriage. 

"We are seeing more and more men incapable of being good husbands and great fathers. Those ones need a chat with their uncles. Because, someone needs to prepare the men for the women,” she says.  

Robert Cyubahiro McKenna, a journalist, strongly agrees that girls should visit their aunties as it’s a tradition and ought to be reserved, but the question is, what are they getting from their aunties?

"It’s 2020, the way aunties sustained their families might not be the same way it is done today. So, it should be more of a conversation about how to better their families, not girls being told what to do for their husbands,” McKenna says. 

"It depends on the kind of relationship you have with your relatives, because most people have not grown up with their aunties, whereby they are seen during functions like marriage events or funerals,” says Violah Natukunda, a digital manager at Royal FM.

She adds that on such occasions, there is really not much in-depth conversation to hold with them, but just to say "hello”. They literally don’t know you well.

Natukunda says without a relationship created first, there might not be the necessity to approach an aunt for counselling.

She also highlights that the dotcom era is a bit unique from the traditional society as back then, girls visited their aunties during holidays, they would advise them on issues like how to cook, hygiene, house duties among others, this happened from when they were young. Unlike today where a person can even spend years without paying a visit to their aunties.

"Before, children were for the community, anyone had a right to advise or punish them where necessary, even though they were not related. It wasn’t only the role of an auntie to impose morals,” Natukunda says. 

The essence of the bridal showers

According to Natukunda, bridal showers used to be parties mostly attended by some female friends and relatives, just to say farewell to the bride-to-be. An aunt was invited to prepare the lady for marriage and then after, wish them well.  

"However, contemporarily, the bridal showers are for merrymaking, a close group of people to the intending bride forms a WhatsApp group to collect money to help plan for the event.

"On D-day, it’s basically having fun and taking photos, and posting them on social media. The aim for which bridal showers were formed is lost,” she states.

The role the church in counselling couples

Pastor Hassan Kibirango from Christian Life Assembly (CLA), Nyarutarama, points out that the church offers premarital counselling. This is an eight-week class where the intending couples are taken through, to talk about certain fundamentals of marriage that they will expect.

"The counselling prepares them in the areas of communication, finances, sexuality, among other topics, these all shine a light into the marriage institution, before they get there,” he says.

Kibirango recommends any intending couple to find a way of going through this counselling session to prepare for marriage as counselled couples are more equipped to deal with issues in case they encounter them in their marriage.

Although some couples go on to get married without any counselling, Kibirango highlights that CLA can’t wed a couple that has not gone through premarital counselling.

Without counselling, things become tighter as a couple might not have information to fall back on in tough situations, he adds.