"Words are like arrows. Throw them only when you know where they will fall.” (African proverb)
As a leader you have a lot of power, which means that those around you will note every single word that you say and how you say it, especially in this period of prolonged insecurity, uncertainty and uneasiness as the world battles the Corona pandemic.
As such, leaders need to be very deliberate about their communication in terms of what they say and how they say it.
"If you invest the time earlier to create structure and process around communication … you can prevent missteps before they occur,” says Christine Tsai, a US American businesswoman.
To illustrate the point, let’s expand on and break down the very brief conversation, cited in the 27 August column on "Managing Difficult Conversations”: A male sales leader tells a female subordinate: "You look nice today”. She does not respond before getting up and walking away. He senses from her silence and body language – which can account for up to 90% of all communication - that she is upset.
Such incidents can be great learning opportunities for any conscious, self-reflective leader: What just happened? Did I do something wrong? If so, what must I do now to rectify the situation? How could it have been handled differently? What should I do differently in future?
In pure communication terms, the answers to these questions are largely covered in the formula: Intent vs. Impact. What message did the communicator intend to send? What message did the other person actually receive and what impact did it have on that person?
Here is a series of questions that leaders should ask themselves as often as possible when communicating. Ideally this should be just before saying something that could possibly be controversial or misinterpreted. Or if necessary, this should be after something does not go as expected, as in this case:
1. What did I want to say?
"You look nice today?”
2. Why did I want to say it?
Because my female colleague was wearing a new dress and I wanted to show that I’m an attentive boss by casually remarking on it.
3. What reaction did I hope for?
She would appreciate my noticing that she was wearing a new dress and show this by smiling and saying: "Thank you”.
4. Why did I get a different reaction?
Because I did not consider that she would view this compliment about her attire as somehow inappropriate, patronizing or even demeaning as it reinforced a long-lasting tradition of men with power focusing on women’s physical appearance and as it took attention away from perceptions of her competence and professionalism, particularly if other people witnessed the interchange.
5. Could I have foreseen the actual reaction?
Yes, if I had really thought about it beforehand. This colleague had just told me in her recent performance review that she is very proud of her achievements in a relatively short time at the company. And I now remember that she purposely didn’t include a photo of herself on her CV when she interviewed for the front-line sales job earlier this year.
6. What do I do now?
Have a "difficult conversation” with her (along the lines of the PASSIO model in the previous column). I’ll ask her for a private chat and then share what I was intending to say, how I felt about her non-verbal reaction and ask for her thoughts and feelings about the incident now. If she was indeed upset or offended in any way, I will apologize unreservedly, ask her to forgive me and pledge to communicate in a more considered and considerate way in future.
After an unfortunate incident like this, some leaders – of whatever gender - may understandably respond: "How can I possibly watch every word that I say?”
Conscious communication is a bit like learning a foreign language. At first, you are reluctant to say anything. But as you take lessons, you gradually start speaking. Hopefully, this will be with people you know and who know you and they will only laugh when you say such things as: "Ndarambiwe” (I am bored) instead of "Ndananiwe” (I am tired), as this writer recently texted to a Rwandan friend’s mother during an evening conversation.
The same is true with any highly functioning, trusting work team. If the male leader had known his female subordinate better, he would not have commented on her physical appearance and if he did, she would have hopefully given him the benefit of the doubt and just reminded him in private of her preferences.
As the Irish writer, George Bernard Shaw, once said: "First learn the meaning of what you say and then speak.”
And if not, remember the words of US president Abraham Lincoln: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.”