Boy meets girl through a mutual friend. Boy likes girl and asks if he can see her again. Girl accepts and gives boy her phone number. Girl and boy chat on WhatsApp then finally decide to go on a date. They suggest a place and agree that they will meet each other there. A couple of drinks, some food, and conversation that keeps getting interrupted by WhatsApp messages and Facebook updates.
At the end of the date, both go their separate ways, perhaps by cab or taxi-moto. That is a random but common scenario in the dating world today. We are slowly but surely moving past the tradition when men actually picked their dates up and opened car doors — and compliments meant more than clicking ‘like’ on someone’s picture on social media. And how can we forget candlelit dinners and romantic walks, among many other romantic gestures that the modern age is drifting away from?
It is not to say that all this is completely gone, however, many will agree that dating, like many other things, has changed.
Allen Kagisha, a banker, says people are now more committed to ‘hookups’ than real relationships; something she says has made the whole idea of love an illusion.
She laments about the complexity that comes with modern dating, revealing how her previous relationship sums it all up.
Kagisha says she dated a guy for almost two years; however, they weren’t committed to each other, as she later came to discover.
"He always treated me as an option but because I loved him, I stayed with hopes that he would become serious with me. Not once did I ever meet his friends, we always met on his terms and only when he wanted intimacy. I felt used, I wasn’t sure if we were really dating because he never said he loved me,” she narrates.
It was after a series of disappointments and heartbreaks that she realised she was ‘chasing the wind’.
Kagisha’s situation is not unique if one is to go by today’s dating trends.
As a single girl living in the 21st Century, Clarisse Uwamahoro wonders if one could turn back the hands of time to the 90’s.
"Dating back then was passionate and purposeful, people believed in love, which isn’t the case today. The rise of social media has given us so many options that we feel like settling with one person is limiting our chance to explore,” she says.
Denis Kazungu, a programme manager, cannot agree more, noting that the Internet with all its innovations has surely done more harm than good, especially with relationships.
"Men no longer take women on dates, you meet today and the next time, he invites you to his place. Dating nowadays is more physical than emotional, people only go out in search for mates who can satisfy their sexual appetite and this cannot build authentic relationships,” he says.
He also adds that the era of Tinder among other online dating sites has done nothing but mess up people’s dating lives.
Shiona Mugiraneza, a university student, says dating today has proven to be complex and lacking as years go by.
"You meet this guy who seems to have all the things you are looking for in a partner but after some time, you discover he’s a loner who doesn’t do relationships. Meanwhile, you have invested all you had in him and have become emotionally attached. Such disappointments are making people heartless, and this is why many are doing this for fun and not for a serious commitment,” she says.
Culture of dispensability
Emmanuel Nimusima says what’s killing everything is the independence that everyone yearns for.
"People are so focused on their careers and emancipating their lives that seeking a significant other is not a priority. One can choose to see you depending on their convenience and choose to cut you off when they are done with you,” he says.
Psychotherapist Allison Abrams writes that navigating the modern dating world can be a venture rife with disappointment and disillusionment, noting that on the other hand, dating can lead to a lifelong partnership though for many it is more often the former.
From dating fatigue to the sting of rejection, even the most confident people are not immune to the negative effects of dating on psychological and emotional well-being. And for those who struggle with self-worth, these effects can be especially harmful.
She also highlights that online dating has produced some of the most profound and widespread changes to traditional courtship seen in decades—namely, its effects on fundamental interpersonal processes. And in an increasingly commoditised dating landscape, these changes are not always for the better.
"In a culture of dispensability, where relationships are recycled and dates ordered from a menu of options, it is easy to become disillusioned with the whole process.”
”So, if you are armed with knowledge, realistic expectations and most importantly, a heavy dose of self-compassion, it is possible to avoid—or at least minimise—some of the pitfalls and to date smarter, without compromising your self-esteem and emotional well-being.”