Parenting is not a walk in the park. Period. There is a lot that goes into, for example, promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual progress of a child, from infancy to adulthood. Good parenting involves a great combination of stability and routine; which in the process gives children a sense of control.

Parents who are raising teenagers can tell you that this particular age group is tricky. This category is influenced by what they see or hear. Teenagers require ‘helpful attention’ instead of protective attention.

A teenager, or teen, is a person who falls between the ages of 13 to 19 years old. A "teenager” can also mean an adolescent.

Often, parents feel their teenagers are not responsible enough to make certain decisions, yet on the other hand, you hear teenagers grumbling about not being trusted by their parents to make decisions especially since they believe they are at the stage where they are growing into adults. Either way, the question still stands, can teens be allowed to make mature choices?

Hassan Kibirango, a Pastor at Christian Life Assembly Nyarutarama, is of the view that every decision one make, potentially carries consequences. He explains that the idea that teenagers can make adult decision because they are old enough, needs to be subjected to certain reasoning.

For instance, he says that contrary to popular culture where young people seem to be dating for sport, dating for this age group should be discouraged because its unlikelihood of it leading to marriage.

"This is because when it comes to things like sex, it has been constituted not for mere pleasure and play, but as a tool for companionship within the context of marriage. When a teenager decides to have sex, they need to know that what consequences await,” he said.

He says that teenagers need to be guided, they shouldn’t be allowed to make adult decisions as they are still not ready for certain responsibilities in life.

Kibirango stressed that statistically, it has been proven that when a child is given adequate information about dating, sex, and its consequences when they are younger, that child grows up with a much more balanced view on the matter.

"Culturally in Rwanda, such things are not talked about by parents because we are conservative in nature, some parents don’t even know how to begin the conversations with their teenagers, because we are creatures of the societies that we live in. Many parents were not given advice, some were sent to aunties or uncles to talk to them,” Kibirango noted.

He cautioned parents to start having conversations with their children regarding sex from the time they turn 13.

Kibirango explained that the other thing that is important when parenting, is to first create a relationship with their children from a young age. This he says is done through being more disciplinarian, demanding more for obedience but then easing into friendships and allegiances as they grow into teens.

"Remember, the thing we don’t talk about, we are only shooting ourselves in the foot as parents because teenagers are getting this information from all sorts of circles, and the information they get is unfiltered, and oftentimes, it is information that is geared towards leading them astray and having them experiment certain things before their time,” he says.

According to Eva Mutumba, a parent and teacher in Kigali, parents are responsible for supervising and guiding teenagers towards making the right decisions. For example, parents can be of great importance in assisting teens in choosing a career. 

However, she says that for instance, teens who prefer to dress or cut their hair a certain way should be given a chance to do so, as long as they still remain decent.

Mutumba also said the other fact that parents need to accept is that they cannot control everything their teens are doing.

"If parents need teens to be responsible, they have to learn to accept their decisions but must teach them about consequences.  Parents need to have calm conversations with their teenagers, and encourage them to up about issues that these teenagers are likely to face, such as alcohol, drugs and sex,” she said

Jimmy Ntamuhanga, a parent and a residence of Gisozi, noted that it is important that parents learn to accept the fact that they cannot completely control their teenagers’ choices adding that permitting them to learn from their choices is the best way for them to learn accountability.

He recommended parents to learn to trust their children.

He added, that any teenager develops into what his or her parents have taught them, and they continue to grow based on how their parents have taught them and the decisions they have made for them.

"What teenagers need is strong social support, for them to open up because if they don’t, they can even end up getting depressed. Parents need to allow any kind of discussion that can allow the teenagers to open up about everything, but it can only be possible if they are friends with their parents,” he said.

Counselor’s view

According to Innocent Kabera, a family counsellor at Ayina Think Tank Rwanda, when it comes to decision making, the first step is building family traditions.

He says that the role of a parent is to make sure that their teens have been raised to respect some values, principles, disciplines, and overall, the parents must lead by example.

"It is alright to give teens freedom in decision making. They are not going to be dependent forever, they need to be given freedom which will prepare them for the interdependence waiting for them in the coming years”, he said.

Kabera pointed out that the role of the parent is to facilitate, advise, mentor adding that children should be helped to find answers on their own.

The process of making decisions

Kabera stressed the need to teach teens to ask questions, for instance, "What is the motive of doing what I am doing?” so that they don’t come up with decisions without a reason.

He added, another question would be, "What if ‘plan A’ doesn’t work, what will be the way forward?” They should know that not all decisions might go as expected, in case they backfire, they should be ready to try out something else, but not to throw "a pity party.”

Kabera called upon parents to supervise decision making and assist the teens in judging their decision. If the decision turns out negatively, they should help them to draw lessons from it.