It’s around the corner. The day for lovers. Valentine’s Day, February 14. A day when the entire world holds its breath because they’re being suffocated by the flood of love. My name is James. And I’m a player. This is the day I dread the most, because as a player, I have to please many girls. Like Jesus Christ. Yet I am not Jesus Christ.

I have a plan already laid out to attack this day, because if I don’t draft a solution to it, I might get my heart broken. Yes, players have feelings too. It’s just that we choose to give a couple of people a share of our brittle hearts. So, on Valentine’s Day, I’ll wake up like the rest of you. Brush my teeth. Run a few errands. Breathe. Dress nicely. And make my first phone call of the day.

I’ll call my first girlfriend. I’ll call and express my bountiful love I have for her. I will wish her a lovely Valentine’s Day and give my first excuse. I’ll tell her that I have a meeting out of town, but chances are, I might come back in time for us to have dinner. She will take a while to believe me, but I will convince her. I know how to convince her. I will blow kisses and get off the phone.

I will drive to work first (fast) because I have a client meeting. The client might delay and, to kill time, I will check my WhatsApp and send a heart emoji to my second girlfriend. She loves that heart emoji. It will warm her heart. I will send a voice note wishing her a happy Valentine’s Day. She will respond hysterically, happy. I won’t promise much to her, because I was at her place last evening. And really, she shouldn’t expect much from me, because I had told her that we have a staff training the whole day.

My third girlfriend will be calling my phone every second. I won’t pick. Why? I want to pretend as though I am busy. Then I will return her phone call and I apologise for missing her call. I will tell her that I had traveled. She will get so mad and call me nasty names, but I am used to this kind of treatment. I will tell her to hang on, because I might return tonight. Not to be heartless, I will send flowers to her workplace. Goodness, that will soften her insides. She will call me and open a tap of love and I will open my ears and take it all in.

My fourth girlfriend has been sending messages on WhatsApp. Damn, this girl loves sending long paragraphs. She says she has a plan for us. That I should make time and we go for dinner. That she has a special arrangement for us. She has a way of trying to capture my attention, but I am not really in the mood for her drama. Last week, we fought. And I am not about to fight again.

There’s this girl I love so much. She’s my fifth girlfriend. I have been waiting for this day to celebrate with her. A couple of days ago, she had asked me about one of my girlfriends and said I was cheating. I had denied any knowledge of her. She insisted. Now, I have been calling her since morning and she’s not picking my calls. I have sent her WhatsApp messages, but she’s not responding. I am holding my tears, because I really love her so much. I called her friend, Sarah, but she’s not picking as well. I guess, she was briefed not to pick my calls.

I guess I will just have to spend the night with my boys playing Fifa 19.