Dear Counsellor,
Our mother has three children. She is raising her last child (a boy) differently than she did my sister and me. There is a 12-year difference between us and our brother. My father and mother do not live together. He lives in the country and she lives in town. I suspect that my father, who is a quiet man, cannot stand the foolishness. When we were growing up, my parents did not have a lot. They are now much better off, and our brother is benefiting from the better financial situation. My mother was very strict with us. We had to go to school and get good grades. If we were to go to a birthday party, we had to get home before midnight. All that has changed. Our brother was expelled from high school because of violence. He was sent to evening classes and he dropped out. He borrows money from people and our mother pays it back. He has stolen money from us and she says we should just forget it. He is not working and he got a girl pregnant. Now the girl and baby are living at our mother’s house. We do not know what to do.
Martha
Dear Martha,
Most mothers love pampering their youngest children, often treating them like they are more special, but this isn’t the right way to show love for a child. Pampering involves giving in to a child’s every need and desire in an excessive way that it ends up badly affecting their character, nature and their entire perception of the world at large. It’s actually sad that your brother is undergoing the psychological syndrome of childhood pampering. Research has it that most children who are extremely pampered by their parents end up becoming unpleasant adults because they undergo a destructive lifestyle shadowed with the inability to work hard and control impulses. Poor parenting is actually to blame for such unbalanced upbringing.
He was never wrong in his mother’s eyes, therefore, he doesn’t know how to take responsibility for his actions. He was put on a pedestal and showered with material things, and this led to his faulty personality. Consequently, disrespect and hostility are the consequences associated with his pampered childhood. He’s likely to whine, beg, manipulate people or even steal to get his way to satisfy all his unrealistic demands.
He’s needy and expects too much from others yet he isn’t willing to give anything in return. He lacks the willingness to take responsibility for his own actions, therefore, is not up for the many challenges of life because he has poor problem-solving skills. Rebellion became a natural response to life and he has trouble making and keeping meaningful relationships. This is why he will sire a child with a girl and not maintain a relationship with her. Your brother lost his independence before it could even fully develop, therefore, he lacks emotional maturity to cope single-handedly with life challenges and is unbothered by the idea of hurting others. He developed problems such as excessive spending, gambling, and violence, and makes irrational decisions, often seeking attention.
Your intervention is paramount but you must put in mind that transforming an already spoilt mature person is a hard task to achieve. Pampered child syndrome cannot be "fixed” overnight. The first step is to get him to admit that he in fact has a problem. Be sure to show him your plan and willingness to help him transform into a trouble-free person and shake off his overprotected, spoiled past. Siblings who have good relationships often listen to each other and reach consensus quickly.
Explain to your brother why his actions are wrong and the possible consequences of those actions. If you manage to build a level of trust and emotional understanding with him, you might get the chance to influence his bad behaviour. In such situations, it’s always important not to harass him in such a way that makes him feel ambushed. If he doesn’t change at all, stop giving him things for free and let him learn to sweat before feasting. Leave him to live his own life and the mother will soon realise the consequences of pampering a child.