He finished his Bachelor’s (yes, he was a bachelor for a long time). He did what many bachelors do; he did not leave any stone unturned. Then he graduated and outgrew bachelorhood. He got married. People get married for different reasons. And for him, he got married because, well, his ailing, ageing mother wanted to see her grandkids before she left the world. Plus, most of his friends were ‘Instagraming’ their kids repeatedly. He loves kids, those adorable little beings. And he wanted a kid. So, he got married.

At first, it was a smooth transition; he hardly found hurdles in being stuck with one ‘dish’. He loved it. He loved the challenge. But, later, things crumbled beneath him and he started sinking. He stuck his neck out to tap the proverbial greener pastures. He wanted to pursue further. He wanted to do an MBA. After all, it is trendy to do an MBA, lately. Ah, I am doing my MBA: how cool is that? So, he followed suit. Only that, he was doing a different ‘MBA’. He was doing a married-but-available. He is married. A ring bites his finger. Someone took over his second name. And he is someone’s husband, but he is available. Like open WiFi. How do you tell that he is pursuing an MBA, not a Bachelor’s? How do you separate the wheat from the chuff? Here’s how.

The ring? What ring?

He walked down the aisle. Vows were exchanged, a priest stood between them. They said the infamous ‘I Do’ amidst a thunderous chanting and ground-stomping from family and friends. It was a Saturday in July, at midday, the sun was winking down at them. The world saw them. Hell, the world saw him sliding the glittering ring on her finger with a wide grin on his face as though he had won a lottery. But now, the ring is gone. Poof! He never had a fist fight with someone — perhaps it could have yanked off and, unbeknownst to him, fell off. He never shoved a middle finger in someone’s face and the pit-bull got the finger and cut it off, and fled with the ring. Burglars didn’t break through his house and bolt away with that pricey piece of gold. None of that. He simply won’t put it on.

This is a signal that he’s available. He’s clearly set his trap like a well-trained sniper. When you ask him about the ring, he will look away and pretend as though you spoke Latin and he is not conversant with that language. He has no ring. And he won’t put it on because he is available, because he is pursuing an MBA.

He won’t talk about his wife

Of course he won’t talk about his wife. Who? Martha? Who’s Martha? He won’t drag his wife in the picture because, yes, he thinks he is smart. And the wife? Ah, let the wife stay in darkness. He doesn’t want to be addressed as a married person. When he is pursuing an MBA, it is advisable not to drag your partner in the picture. He is armed to the teeth with these traits and he won’t screw up. Ask him for money. Ask him how his day was. Ask him about his flourishing businesses, but never ask him about his wife. He will run up the wall in angst, stare in space and coin a silly lie. He is available, for now.

No phone calls at night

It is fine to call him during the day. You can call him countless times for as long as your phone still has battery. And vice versa. It is not detrimental. It is harmless. But don’t call him at night because he won’t pick up. He is busy with his beloved wife. He is out of the MBA class; he has no lectures. They will resume at sunrise. He won’t pick the damned phone call because he doesn’t want the wife to start asking questions that will completely unsettle him. He doesn’t want to start explaining who Agatha is.

Still, he won’t call you at night because his phone might be off. Wait for the sun to roll out and he will be up to the race, chasing after you like a gazelle. It is just the way it is. When you ask him why he didn’t pick up your call last night, he will mumble a faint ‘I am sorry’ before explaining how tired he was, how he dropped on his bed and slept like a log. You will nod in acceptance, rub his palms and say, "It is fine, darling’!”

He won’t bring you home

He will never invite you over to his home, unless his wife is out of the country. He will insist on meeting you at a coffee shop. He will insist on driving over to your place. He will insist on paying for a lodge because he thinks it is convenient. And, indeed, it is convenient (for him). When asked about coming over for a visit, he will say he is not around. He is out of town. Work, see? Maybe next time. Then next time, he will have travelled to the village for an impromptu burial. Then you will give up on the chase and open the doors of your house for him to tumble in, always. He has a wife at home, but he is available. He is playing his cards smartly and delicately. Pick and play.

Signs for the wife

When he is pursuing an MBA, his wife might get the memo. If she has a working brain, she will read the writings on the wall and she will know the font — that her man is available in abundance. That he is up for the taking and any bidder will drag him away by the ear. He will come back home and fumble with explanations. He will start acting funny; quarreling at the smallest of things. In bed, he will look disinterested like an overfed rhino.

He will pick random calls and walk miles and kilometers away from you to pick up. And when he picks up, he will speak faintly and politely, like a sinner in confession. If you are lucky, you might stumble across some suspicious messages on his phone, or phone numbers with inane names. Clearly, he is cheating on you. He is doing his ‘MBA’. Soon, he will have course work and he will come back home late at night from a discussion, tired like a mule and smelling of female cologne. He is married, yes, but available!

editorial@newtimes.co.rw