Dear Counsellor,

I am 36 years old and doing very well in my career. I have worked hard to be successful in the corporate world but I feel like this is the reason I am still single. A colleague once told me that ‘I am my own man’ because I’m too independent and that men are intimidated by this kind of thing. But why is this so? For a woman my age, time is not on my side yet I would like to find a partner, get married and have children. The last guy I dated decided to make me his personal ATM machine and so I had to end it. Another fellow hated that I had an opinion and wanted a more submissive woman. And that is not me. I worry that I will end up alone and it depresses me. What am I not doing right?

Maria

Dear Maria,

 The concern about ending up single, especially at your age, is justifiable. You seem to have respect for commitment but just haven’t met someone you want to be committed to. So don’t be desperate and rush into a relationship because of pressure, or because you want to fit in. Trust me, there is no such thing as running out of time for marriage. It is more important to find the right person to get married to than what age you get married at. Getting married out of worry will land you in the arms of the wrong man. This is because, most people who are desperate for marriage are not really motivated by love or maturity. They tend to ignore all the warning signs because they want to settle down badly and therefore, end up settling for anyone that promises marriage.

Take your time and you will find a man who loves and appreciates you the way you are. Similarly, you don’t have to be too choosy because there is nothing like the perfect man. You don’t have to think alike, but, having the right chemistry plus a shared vision is crucial in your selection process. You need more than just a man to be your husband. The right man should be your best friend — one you can weather any storm with. Be alert; avoid the ones who only like your wallet. Their mission is to empty it and move on. Conversely, examine yourself and see if you are the kind of woman a man would want to marry.  

The key is to define the kind of man you’re looking for, and then figure out the places where that type tends to hang out. Your workplace, seminars and workshops, parties and online dating sites are all venues. Present yourself in the most attractive manner. The best way is to package yourself in a manner that defines your well. First of all, you need to enhance your general appearance to compliment your natural attributes, because men’s attention is triggered by physical features, and so it is important for a woman to look her best at all times.  When a man approaches you, respond elegantly and don’t show desperation.  Be confident and wear clothing that accentuates your figure well, albeit decent.

Once you find love, the job is as good as done. Work on commitment, however, this scares some men, but your behaviour can easily change that.

Respect is probably the most important thing in a relationship. Don’t nag him over petty things, and avoid being too demanding.

If you find someone, find out what his dreams and aspirations are. That way, you will know if you have any shared aspirations and whether he will inspire you to be a better person.  Don’t change just to suit his personality as you risk losing your values and identity.

Should Maria be worried?

Readers offer their advice.

Do not settle for less

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. The right person just hasn’t come along yet, so be patient. Do not succumb to pressure otherwise you will end up making the wrong decisions, or worse, getting married for the wrong reasons. Do not settle for less, the right person will come along.

Faustin Kayumba, Businessman

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Being single is not bad

You need to stop worrying about being single and embrace your status, by doing this, you will be more relaxed. Don’t blame yourself for being single rather, continue praying and God will give you the right man.

Juliet Umutoni, Student

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Give it time

Don’t be obsessed with the idea of getting a man, just let things work out on their own; the more you worry about it, the higher the chances you will end up with the wrong person. Keep yourself busy with other things to avoid boredom.

Ben Sibomana, Parent

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Change your attitude

Chances are that you will find a partner. Being submissive to a man doesn’t mean you have to kneel for him. I suggest you look into this and find a way to adjust. Seek religious help and if possible, psychological as well.

Diane Uwera, Mother of two

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Find a balance

It’s not uncommon for driven, motivated, and successful women to have struggles in the dating world. Fostering this masculine edge is a necessary adaptation to be effective, earn respect, and push through the challenges of being a woman in that world. However, you need to learn to find balance with your social life.

Ann Uwamahoro, Women activist