Dear Counsellor,

I have a major problem with my two children. They are now in university and they are onto my secret. I told them that their father died when they were young. Now, they want to know more about their ‘dead’ father. The truth is that I fell in love with a married man. He was my first love. He sired both kids. But because he was married and respectable in society I could not give the children his surname. I promised him that it would be our secret. He treated us very well. I have a nice apartment and car. He is paying the tuition fees at university. They respect him. But it is still not the time for them to know the truth about him. I would not mind coming clean, but he is against it. He got upset once when I jokingly told him that the children know that he is their father. I am afraid that they will find out. What should I do?

Worried mother

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Dear worried mother,

You can’t estimate the damage your dishonesty will cause to your children. When parents lie to their children, they’re not only nurturing potential liars, they are encouraging ‘corrupt’ traits, thinking it’s okay to be deceitful.

Lies hurt children deeply, especially when they discover that their parents, who teach them about honesty, are the ones lying to them.

When you decided to lie to your own kids about their father, how long did you think you’d keep up with the lie?

Remember, as children grow, they learn to trust their inner sense of right and wrong and with their intuition, they can tell exactly when parents are withholding information. 

The absence of your children’s dad by choice is foolish, and no sane parent would choose to inflict this kind of psychological pain on their children, whether or not their birth was a result of infidelity.

It’s disturbing that you and ‘your man’ chose to do this, and it’s likely to backfire — it will create clashes between you and your children, and the community at large.

Every child has a right to know and receive a father’s love, yet you and this man deliberately deprived your children of this right.

Remember, the more they grow, the higher the chances they will find out, and the blame increases, having deprived them of their right to their father’s involvement in their lives.

How will you mend this damage, putting into consideration that you deprived them of a father-figure during the most crucial time of their life?

You seem to worry more about the man’s reaction than your children’s.  Be a good mother and find ways to fix this, starting with an apology to your kids for the damage you have caused.

Preferably, get a day off, go out with them, and talk to them, explain the situation without sounding like a victim. Acknowledge your mistakes, take responsibility. Find ways to approach their father too.

Don’t worry about angering him, because you’re doing the right thing. You’ll be taking a great load off yourself. Let the children know the truth because the truth will set you free.  Everything else will fall in line as time goes on. 

Should this mother tell her children the truth? Readers offer their advice.

Fix your mistakes

I think you are ashamed of the person you had children with. You should not let your children pay for your mistakes, so tell them the truth; after all, it happened and there is nothing you can do to change it.

Clement Nduwayezo, Farmer -----

Tell them the truth

It is possible that your children heard rumours about their father, and they know he didn’t die. That’s why they want to know more about him. The best thing is to come clean and tell them the truth.

Maria Ann Ishimwe, Student -----

That man is a coward

Lies have consequences, if not now, in the future. I don’t understand why this man doesn’t want the children to know about him. Since he was bold enough to sire children outside his marriage, he should be a man and let the children know he is their father.

Vanessa Gashumba, Parent -----

Lies will tear you apart

You should know that by lying to your children, you are not protecting them, on the contrary, it’s really destructive. Talk to their father about this and find a way to tell them the truth.

Erick Dusabimana, Businessman -----

Keep your skeletons in the closet

I think some things should just be kept a secret. Think about the other woman — the wife to that man — how will she feel if she finds out the truth? I advise you to stick to the story that their dad is dead to avoid mayhem.

Pascaline Mugisha, Public relations officer