Two years ago, I decided to move out of my parents’ home. I didn’t do it the official way of waiting for my suitor to come and ask for a hand in marriage with permission of my parents.
Two years ago, I decided to move out of my parents’ home. I didn’t do it the official way of waiting for my suitor to come and ask for a hand in marriage with permission of my parents. Instead, one by one, I moved my clothing items out till they realised that I had no intention of continuing to live under their roof. That was the only way; mostly because I am yet to meet a parent in Rwanda who is fine with the idea of their daughter moving out before marriage.
Looking back, I realise that my parents were not only concerned about my wellbeing; they were also very concerned about how society would react.
Today, I can confidently say that the disappointment in their eyes is slowly fading by the day but interestingly, even with one child and my ability to take care of both of us withstanding, they never miss out on an opportunity to remind me that we are both still welcome to move back in. That is typical of almost every African family.
In some countries like Kenya and Uganda, the grip that parents or immediate family had on their daughters and their insistence that they should stay home till a suitable man asked for their hand in marriage has waned over the years; but in Rwanda, not much has changed. Why is this so?
Ruth Abeera Kaitesi was raised by her mother when her father succumbed to cancer many years ago. Growing up in a family of seven children with five of them being boys, Kaitesi, who is the last, was overprotected and when she decided to pack up and leave her mother’s house at 21, her family, as expected, strongly resisted it. And when they found out that she was moving in with her boyfriend at the time, things even got worse.
"My mother started crying. I will never forget what she told me; she told me to go and see that life cares for no one but she also told me that her door would be open when I eventually decide to come back. Looking back, I realise that she knew exactly what she was talking about, but even then, I don’t think that she expected my story to be what it turned out to be,” she says.
Kaitesi moved in with her boyfriend and in a year, she was pregnant and that’s when she found out that she had made a terrible mistake.
"He was violent and what I used to think was a hot temper became something else because when he started punching and kicking me, it didn’t matter to him that I was young and that I was pregnant,” she says.
Kaitesi eventually gave birth but when the violence didn’t stop and the risks to her life and her child’s became bigger, she packed her bags and returned to her mother’s house.
A Year later, she moved out again and today, she is a happily married woman and a mother to two daughters. So would she feel comfortable with her daughter moving out of home at 21?
"I think that moving out of home is not the issue here. The issue is the motivation behind it. If you move out of home to go and live with a man that you are not married to, you better be old enough or strong enough to deal with whatever that relationship throws at you. So to answer your question, I think I would only be happy about it if my child is mentally ready and also very independent. Like everything else, it has its pros and cons,” she says.
Kaitesi says that even if her first attempt was marred by problems, she still attributes her confidence and partly her maturity to the move.
When Lillian Gahima moved back to Rwanda after her studies in Uganda, she had one main mission in mind; to get a job, save enough money and move out of her uncle’s family home. She was lucky to get employment immediately and in no time, she was ready to move in with her colleague. When Gahima excitedly told her uncle about her plan to move out in a few days, to her confusion, all hell broke loose.
"Whether it was at church, or with other family members, the issue was completely misinterpreted. Even the people I thought would support me said all sorts of negative things. My uncle was very upset. Can you believe that he immediately called my father and told him that I was seeking independence to go and start partying?” she laughs. To the disappointment of everyone, Gahima still moved out.
Three years down the road, her family has warmed up to the idea and she is thankful that they now realise that all her intentions were good.
Rwandan culture is conservative and has high expectations of its young women and marriage is still looked upon as the source of pride for most families, which explains why the pressure to marry and have children is quite heavy.
Paul Rusanganwa says that naturally, parents are more inclined to be overprotective of girls because they are more vulnerable.
"It is well known that girls’ hearts are fragile. They may be mature physically but they are not usually ready to handle some things. As a parent, you fear that her heart is going to be broken, or that she is going to get pregnant or that she is going to be infected with a disease or that she simply may be attacked and she won’t be able to defend herself. Maybe that’s the reason why parents prefer that they only leave home when they are getting married,” he says.
Claudette Mukamariza is in her 60s. She says that in the past, a girl would only move out of home only when she was officially getting married but things have changed, the beginning being with the arrival of missionaries and their introduction of education.
"Our culture was firm about some things. Things like moving out of your parents’ home is something I am only trying to understand now but in our days, it was a different story. It started to slightly change when missionaries introduced formal education which saw children leave home to go to schools far away, something that broke the control cycle between parent and the child. By the time the child is done with university, you have no say in whatever decisions they have,” she says.
Mukamariza thinks that most parents feel that their daughters will not be accorded the respect that they deserve when they live alone as compared to when they live with their parents.
"I think that there is something about our culture that makes you question the motive of a girl leaving her parent’s house. Their story rarely ends very well. What are you looking for? I hear them say independence, independence from what?” she wonders.
Charles Bagabo is a married man and a father of three teenage children. He says that culture has been a big part of the Rwandan culture and the values that are attached to some things can never change. He says that instead, what needs to be done is to preserve what remains of it. So would he be comfortable with his daughter’s decision to move out?
"We all need to understand that even when you are an adult and have your own children, your parents still worry.
That is the thing about parenting that we seem to ignore. I think that when you are raising a child, you know who they are. I would only feel so uncomfortable if my child has given me reason to doubt them, but I have also accepted that some of these things are unavoidable. What can I do if I live in Nyamirambo and she works in Kabuga? We just have to be practical and hope for the best,” he says.
Charlotte Umulisa says that the issue of independence and dating can force someone to leave their parent’s home. She says that she had to move out of her mother’s house because she felt like she was being treated like a child.
"My mother is very strict, so when I completed university and started working, I had trouble going on dates with my boyfriend that I had been with for three years because my mother expected me to be at home by 9pm.
Whenever I went beyond that hour, she would make me wait outside for some time and she would be angry for two days. I felt that as an adult, I deserved my space and moved out,” she says.
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I SAY: Before wedlock: To escape the nest or stay put?
Faith Gatera, university student
I wouldn’t consider staying with my parents once I clock 30 years, even if not married. This is mainly because at that age, a woman feels the need to live her life the way she pleases. She probably wants to start her own family, and it is hard to date when still staying with your parents. So this alone can push one to move out of her parents’ home.
Brenda Mutoni, customer care agent
The need to be self-reliant and independent drives a person at the age of 30 to move out of her parents’ house and start her own life. It’s not wrong to stay at your parents’ home, but it’s important to move out because you learn to be self-reliant, which goes with maturity and responsibility. It’s worth a try because it exposes a person to reality.
Sylivia Nanyonga, university student
I look at a 30-year-old still staying home as someone who fears responsibility in life. Maturity is an important aspect that one gets truly acquainted with when they finally let go of their parents’ hand. I believe a person has to actually be in that situation to learn what to do, to behave responsibly. And this means moving out of your parent’s home, especially before you’re married.
Diana Mutoni, university student
Personally, I think once you are on your own, you are bound to face hardships and you often get into a crisis, but dealing with it unaided and living up to your duties without your family’s help will make you more responsible as an adult. Moving out of your parent’s home calls for self-reliance, this is life; you count more on yourself and less on others. I believe that doing everything on your own imparts confidence and a sense of responsibility which is required today.
Compiled by Dennis Agaba