I don’t know why I thought it would be easy to resume my saxophone playing. Aside from my aching jaws, my tummy muscles had to toughen to pull off some low and high notes. Turns out I might need the gym, after all, to strengthen my core.

Finding the saxophone pieces was one of the hardest things, because where I kept its accessories such as mouthpieces, reeds, and cork grease, now contains baby mittens, little socks, and hats. Locating where I had kept my microphone and music stand was another story. Resuming after a whole nine months has been more challenging than I had imagined.

It didn’t help that I caught a bad cold. I have no idea where I got it from, but it could have come from the food market or maybe the gym I went to recently. But it has not made my experience any easier. Having a headache, sore throat, and clogged nose while trying to blow out full, long notes is extremely tough.

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A few times, the baby cried while I was doing rehearsal drills and even though she had people attending to her, my heart just couldn’t stand hearing her fusses. I’m those mums who jump and run to rescue their babies after a minute’s cry. So I’d abandon the rehearsal to go check on my sweet baby, try to feed her, or lull her to sleep. My hubby also keeps on doing these little visits with the baby. I usually hear him approach the door while speaking to the baby, "let’s go see how mom is doing,” – and out goes my concentration.

The best and most surprising part of it is that Nyota, my baby girl, managed to sleep through the rehearsals. I was a bit anxious at first, thinking it might be noisy or scary for her. I know that I played a bit when she was in the womb but because I had to stop at as early as sixteen weeks, I wasn’t sure she would remember the sound. Hanging around her much though has me worried as I might open my next gig with "hush little baby, please don’t cry” – due to muscle memory.

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The first time I played before her, she stood on her little legs (supported, of course) and stared at me in an astonished, wide-eyed manner – with her little mouth wide open. It was a proper jaw-drop moment and the cutest sight. If my next audience does not react the same way, then I am not interested in playing for them. Let’s see if she will continue to enjoy the music and hopefully, one day, play it. But it’s also totally okay if she chooses to be interested in football instead.

I’ve read somewhere that "following your dreams is great when it’s written on a pillow,” and I now feel the sentiments that the writer did. As responsibilities increase in life, it gets harder and harder to concentrate on the things that make your dreams a reality. Maybe I’m just a young mum who needs a little bit more experience – because I’ve seen moms kicking ass in boardrooms, and business circles, and yet, still taking care of their families. Or maybe I am just speaking out because I am learning to not be afraid of vulnerability – I guess we’ll soon find out. Regardless, we keep pushing.

The writer is Rwanda’s first female saxophonist.