Gloria Kanyange got tired of the fights. When she took an oath to be by her husband through good times and bad, she had no idea that at some point, being joined in matrimony as one would literally come down to accounting for every dime she made and used.
Gloria Kanyange got tired of the fights. When she took an oath to be by her husband through good times and bad, she had no idea that at some point, being joined in matrimony as one would literally come down to accounting for every dime she made and used.
It was one argument after another and she was desperately tired. "This is my money and I have the right to spend it the way I please,” she told her husband.
As a couple, they faced a number of challenges but managed to work through them. However, their major challenge stemmed from money.
"My husband wanted to control every dime I made which wouldn’t have been a problem if the same energy also applied to his money. He wanted to use his money for matters that concerned him alone and then use mine for family matters. This I refused to accept and in trying to show him that what he was doing wasn’t right, we broke into arguments,” Kanyange recalls.
Kanyange’s case isn’t rare. In fact, the scenario applies to couples that are merely dating, newlyweds and even a pair that has been married for years. The failure to agree on money matters is a leading cause of broken marriages, according to marriage experts.
William Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage points out that "with the state of the economy, with housing issues, credit problems, more and more couples are facing serious marriage and money problems, even bankruptcy.”
"Often, in couples who are arguing about money, it’s not money that’s the problem, instead, the money fights are a byproduct of relationship neglect, money becomes a weapon. One spouse uses the other’s spending habits as ammunition, bringing up his or her spending when it will hurt the most. Or a spouse spends to get even, even when he or she knows the spending is in excess of the couple’s budget,” explains Harley.
"Communication is the most important and sure way to avert most marital financial challenges. One should know what they will get into when they say ‘I do’ because when the vows are taken it ceases to be ‘me’ and instead everything becomes ‘us’. In other words couples become one and everything is supposed to be shared,” says Pastor Niruminata Ntawukinishimana.
She explains that couples should understand that financial struggles can cause tension if not handled well and that if not discussed, can even lead to divorce.
How a person spends their money is more than just that, it describes who they are in the long run and what they value most.
"Deciding to splash oneself with a new car yet the wife wanted school items for children may be perceived as if one values assets more than the kids, so communication is needed therefore,” she warns.
"Marriage is two people making a life commitment, they vow to God to be together for the rest of their lives and they become one including all that they have. Married couples therefore shouldn’t let financial matters overpower them,” Ntawukinishimana adds.
Is money a cause of conflict?
Estella (not real name) thought that her promotion at work was a perk for her family. And normally, it should have been. However, her husband started acting weird.
"Before I got the promotion, we would plan our money and pay bills accordingly. He would take care of the rent and pay the tuition for our kid and I would pay for other expenses. After I got the promotion, he started acting funny. He would make excuses when time to pay the landlord came. I thought I was the one imagining things but when he one day suggested that since I make more money I should as well pay for everything, I realised something was wrong,” she says.
Estella adds that it didn’t just stop at snide remarks. "When he delayed to pay the landlord, I decided to do it myself, thinking he would be happy. But he proceeded to sulk and accuse me of undermining him. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Sometimes women who make more money than their partners causes conflict because men, naturally, were created to be more superior than women, says Maureen Mwesigwa, a married mother of two.
"It causes an inferiority complex because men think that if a woman makes more money, she will definitely scorn him, which is not true. Very many women earning more than their men have that problem.
Men have an ego that is hard to tame especially if you are in a better position. The best way to handle finances in a home is for both of you to be open and understand that you are allies not competitors,” she says.
What women say
Scovia Mutaganzwa has been married for three years now. She says that she developed a system with her husband for proper management of their money.
"My husband and I opened up a joint bank account where we both contribute a certain amount at the end of every month, it is the same account from which we draw all of our expenses but we also own separate accounts where we save. We still communicate the plans we have for that money,” Mutaganzwa says.
She says that the strategy has helped them a lot in terms of planning for the future and also, be as a couple should be.
"The system has kept us together; we discuss our spending and also make decisions together which not only helps us financially, but bring us closer as a couple,” Mutaganzwa says.
Florence Numukobwa’s fights with her husband over money matters have been regular. She says, "I have always found myself fighting with my husband over money, he likes doing what he wants with his money, neglecting the needs of our family, and this has not left us in a good position as a couple.
He always chooses schools with poor standards all because he wants to spend less on them; I sometimes wonder if he even cares about us,” she says worriedly.
Numukobwa admits that sometimes she feels like calling it quits but then she wonders how that would affect the children.
In cases such as these, Mukandoli Habyiza, who has been married for over 20 years, advises that women should always try to be patient with their husbands, especially if they are stay-at-home mothers.
"When a man is the sole breadwinner of the house, he expects you to follow his command and that can be hard on the woman but what one can do is not challenge him. Instead, suggest politely what you think is the best way to handle the money and give him time to digest and understand what you propose,” Mukandoli says.
Sometimes, women take the issue of emancipation too far forgetting that when it comes to two people, one needs to be submissive and in most cases, it is the woman.
It doesn’t even matter if the woman has a job, there needs to be a way to come to terms with how both incomes can be planned for, Mukandoli adds.
What men say
Simon Kalisa says that basing on the conversations that he has had with his married friends, the one thing they always hate in their marriages is the issue of managing finances.
"I think most couples don’t strategise together on how to spend their money, which is a recipe for disaster. Each of them aims at saving their own and spending the other’s and this obviously brings about disagreements,” he says.
Kalisa advises couples to try a household budget because it helps both parties keep track of the money and in the end, be capable of running the household at large.
John Byagatonda has been married for over 10 years now and he says his biggest obstacle to handling money matters is his wife.
"My wife is that kind of woman who likes competing with neighbours, she likes showing off yet we are just trying to survive. She wants to take our children to expensive schools just because her friend did the same, it’s exhausting,” he laments.
Because of this, Byagatonda is always in debt and has failed to come to an agreement with his wife when it comes to money.
"Sometimes we get into big fights over trivial things. One time, I even thought of leaving her but I didn’t because I love her. What I did was to bring in relatives to talk to her and these days, she is slowly but surely changing,” he adds.
Managing finances in a home can be a challenge but one must remember that team work is the best option. It shouldn’t matter how much the other earns, as long as there’s a mutual understanding as to how finances will be handled. All you need is proper planning, a budget and spending liability.
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I SAY:How can couples manage finances?
Carol Mugabo, secretary
In my opinion I think finances can be well managed if the couple have a joint bank account, which is managed by both parties. This is an effective strategy because in case one party wants to withdraw some cash, the other is notified, and a reason is given as to why that money was taken.
Christine Mutesi, business student
I believe that as a couple the best way to manage finances is to live within your means. It’s wise to reduce unnecessary expenses and stick to your budget. Having a budget at home helps you to know which activities need to be prioritised, and how to make the most of your finances. Bankruptcy is likely to happen to couples who don’t track their finances, most especially their expenses. Having a budget is paramount in marriage.
Gisa Kayitana, accountant
We all know how life is unpredictable, so I believe the best way to manage finances is to save a portion of your income for a rainy day. I can’t see a better solution to managing finances than embracing the culture of saving. Besides, a couple should try and review their budget, as well as their level of spending; so as to create a balance. And that’s what I call financial discipline.
Oliver Tuyishenge, businesswoman
Personally, I look at managing finances in a marriage as a commitment between two individuals who are aiming for financial security. Both parties should be commited to creating a stable flow of income, and posses a certain level of discpline so that their joint resources are not wasted in any way. Having income generating activites is a good initiative towards managing finances and achieving financial security.
Compiled by Dennis Agaba