The first thing to know about the Toyota Rando-Kuruza V8 is that it’s a monstrosity of a car. A beast. No, actually, The Beast.

The second thing worth knowing about Rando-Kuruza V8 is that we don’t drive it. We pound it. And again, yes … we don’t drive road monsters; we don’t drive Range Rovers, neither do we drive a Land Rover Discovery, an Escalade, nor a Jeep Wrangler. We pound them, just like the V8. 

The V8 should also be commended for unknowingly elevating the status of the job of ‘driver’ or ‘chauffeur’ to that of an enviable profession. 

When I was a little boy growing up, I and the little boys and girls my age always had this thing of saying what we wanted to be in future: Lawyer. Doctor. 

Accountant. Engineer. Pilot. No child ever expressed interest in becoming a tourist or big music star like Davido or Diamond Platnumz, or social media manager for a large corporation. In fact, no kid every expressed interest in becoming a professional socialite like Diamond’s Ugandan wife, Zari.

Even much less so, no little boy ever expressed interest in becoming a driver, except, of course, if the car in question was a truck or school bus. Trucks and school buses used to be the only vehicles that seemed to offer enough incentive for little boys in primary school to consider driving for a future career.

Until, that is, the V8 made its grand entry. In fact, do not be surprised if your way-ward 8 year old boy intimates to you that, in future, he would like to become a specialist Toyota Land Cruiser V8 chauffeur. Such is the car’s appeal. 

That said of the V8, I have more than a few bones to pick with the vast majority of the Land Cruiser V8 motoring class of Kigali. 

True, this bold, robust, battle-hardened road soldier has been lavished with capabilities to conquer and subdue all-weather and all-terrain, and that it maintains a refined and elegant aura about it no matter what the occasion it goes to. 

However, that does not mean you can go on choosing any color for your V8 chassis. A V8 worth its pomp should come strictly in two shades: silver, or black. White is excusable, but should you find yourself with a V8 in maroon colors, know that you are color blind. 

Another type of Land Cruiser V8 that is as ugly as the maroon-colored ones are those with a spare tyre strapped conspicuously at the back. Are you telling me that I really need a spare tyre that much, for such a mean and macho machine? 

I think that there are better ways of situating the spare tyre of such a dependable road master. Yea, somewhere below the boot, where it’s invisible. 

In the same vein, a V8 is already strong and secure enough of its own accord, hence no need for those shoddy-looking, giant guard rails and striking front grilles. 

That’s just tacky. It’s ‘Dubai Classic’ and it’s ‘malidadi’.