…choose the lousiest gifts for their lovers on Valentine’s Day. A friend just told me that yesterday was a special day for lovers. I actually doubt it was special since it was not declared a public holiday by our Prime Minister; and when I checked on my calendar it was not even red.

Anyway, going back to what I am paid for, allow me to hate on people whose choice for gifts would even make the devil envious. I am talking about those folks who bought plastic flowers made in China. How is this even romantic? And what happens when your girl tries to follow the movie script of smelling these flowers and it is just the smell of bloody plastic! Just like gumboots.

…sing loudly in bad voice. I know we are supposed to respect our elders but some of the old people I find in church can make this so hard. I am referring to the ones that insist on singing every church hymn but with annoying voices.

The other week there was this old lady in church whose teeth had sought asylum elsewhere. She could not figure out that missing teeth affected her singing so she kept on singing loudly, only managing to sound like a radio whose batteries are running low but at full volume.

I am not saying she shouldn’t be singing totally because I think her humming would sound heavenly as opposed to the singing that would qualify as a torture method if you ask me. I hope she gets some form of divine intervention.

…try to peep at your phone as you type. There are times I really feel like some people should be thrown in a cage of hungry lions as a punishment for their annoying manners. I am sure each time you meet some of these part-time thinkers you wish they could be flogged in public and asked to apologise on national TV for being a pain in all the wrong places.

I am talking of those who will crane their neck to see what you are typing on your phone. They even make you wish you still owned those very small phones that had screens the size of a postage stamp. It would be nice if as they stretch their neck, MTN, Tigo or Airtel would see them and deduct their airtime and if they do not have airtime a thief would snatch their phone just to teach them a lesson on ‘mind your business.’

…order for a drink with a straw and start chewing the straw. Sometimes I just wish restaurants would conduct a mental test before some people are allowed in. This way we can be sure of keeping some empty headed adults that think it is ok to chew on the drinking straw, from sharing space with us sane folks.

Surely if you wanted something to chew on you should have checked the menu and made an appropriate order.

And if you didn’t have the money for the eats on the menu but still wanted to chew on something then next time make sure you carry some chewing gum with you. The sight of such people makes me think there is surely a worm in their heads that is chewing on their brain and so they are simply taking it out on the defenceless straw.

Let me help you hate by sending your suggestions to thehater2009@gmail.com or text me at +250 788 545293