I have been married for 10 years now. I love my wife more than anything in this world and the day she gave me two beautiful baby girls, I thought I would explode with joy.

Recently, I got an infection and went to have myself checked. I will say now that I have never cheated on my wife but as days went on, I felt like I had an STD or something. So I went to see a doctor.

After a couple of tests, the results were shocking to say the least. I indeed had an STD and on top of that I was also informed about my sterility. I told them that it was not possible as I actually had twins with my wife and I was told that sadly, I have been that way all my life. I felt my heart drop out of place and had to call a friend to pick me up.

It’s been a week since I found out, but I’m staying with my friend whom I’ve confided in. I can’t go home because I’m not sure how I will react. So I haven’t yet told my wife that I know the girls are not mine.

However, as extremely angry and disappointed as I may be, I love those girls with every bone in my body and can’t imagine living without them. And even though I love my wife, still, I don’t think I want to be with her anymore. 

Barry

The counselor’s thoughts...

This is the most challenging question I have ever been faced with. I’m a Christian, and I would struggle like hell with this tribulation. God challenges us in ways we could never imagine. I would kindly ask you to apply that extraordinary kind of divine mercy and forgive your wife so you can re-establish love as God commands us although it’s really hard to react to such an awful experience. Remember that a good number of men out there raise step children today unknowingly. You’re luck you have an idea.

This frequently happens in the reverse, where a woman finds out that her husband had an affair, and now has a son or daughter whom she did not plan for. Very often, she forgives him.

This is not a nature thing. It’s what we allow people to hold against each other. Women are more often expected to forgive. Most cultures don’t however put men under such expectation. There is another version that "men can sleep around with different women and its okay, but women who do so are loose”.

Cheating ruins relationships. You need to do what you can to work through the stages of anger and distress, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity have introduced a life long evidence of mistrust unless you and her work hard to mitigate the impact. The cheating and lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. Actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness are capable of causing devastating trouble to the marriage.

It is time for everyone to start living in truth. There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. Children are gifts from God; even if they were conceived in a situation that was not pure, the child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is less of a human being.

Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the children. Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from these precious babies by keeping them at arm’s length.

Having feelings of anger, resentment and retaliation will never harmonise such a situation, neither will it give you a peace of mind, so live on with her because given your problem of sterility, thinking of another spouse may instead worsen your situation.

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Your feedback: Readers advise Barry

Find out why she did it

Carolina Muvunyi

Why are you putting your marriage at risk by talking to a friend? Get yourself together and go see your wife and children. Talk things through like adults and find out why she did what she did.

Turn to God

Jean Philippe Nkusi

Men and women are the same. Don’t put too much trust and faith in anyone, they will hurt you and move on. The only one you can trust is God. Pray to Him and He will give you the answer to all your questions.

She didn’t mean to hurt you

Micheal Gumusiriza

Not being able to have a baby is something really hard. Maybe after trying so many times she decided to bring joy to the both of you by having a baby with someone else, but without intentions of cheating. Listen to her.

She has the answers you want

Jacky Hanana

You have many questions running in your head right now. She alone has the answers you need. Hiding at your friend’s place isn’t helping anyone. You are causing a lot of worry at home.

Face the situation head on

Ana Manzi

The truth is everyone will hurt you. Don’t take this badly but rather focus on the way forward. Hiding isn’t going to solve anything. You are a man. Act like it and take charge of the situation.

You are better off without her

Aubin Muganga

She cheated and after cheating she lied. Take that woman to court and take custody of the girls. She is a liar and a cheat. How many more times has she done that? You might end up with STDs so please run for your life, but with the children you raised.

Vox pop by P. Buchana

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Think of the kids

Frank Marvins Karenzi

Remember that you have children. Think of that first before anything.You are married to a crazy woman

Alex Munkaila

A wife who can cheat in marriage and lie about it for that long is no mother. Take your children away from that crazy woman.

You have to be certain

Mariam Kampire

Before you confront your wife, make sure you think long and hard about it. This could really hurt her incase the doctors are wrong and it might affect you forever.

You raised them, don’t leave them

Gracious Grace

Whether they are your children or not, you raised them and were a father to them. Take care and raise your little girls. They deserve to have you in their life.

She can’t be trusted

Cherry K

I find it appalling that she would lead you to believe that those kids are yours all these years. What else is she not telling you? You don’y have to cut ties with the kids, they are still the ones you raised, but there’s no way you can continue living with such a deceitful person.

Don’t do anything irrational

Austin Infura

Don’t rush to judge her. Doctors don’t know everything and miracles do happen. Go home and talk to your wife before you realise you acted up and hurt your wife instead.

She’s only human

Jesse

You have to forgive her. She’s only human. This is something she probably did out of desperation to have a child. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t be with you. I know it doesn’t make this right but perhaps with time, you’ll learn to forgive her. And even though you don’t want to hear this, the fact that you can’t have kids of your own, you’d be stupid to walk away from the ones you’ve raised. Think about it.

What do you want?

Patrick S

I think this is something only you can decide. . The advice given to you will only confuse you. Sit down and think about how you want to handle the situation. If you can’t stand to be around her then don’t be. If you still love your kids and want to be with them no matter what, then do that. You know what to do.