There is a quiet irony in being an educated, self-assured woman today. We are encouraged to build careers, become financially independent and know our worth, yet relationships remain complicated.

You can do everything expected of you, only to find that the confidence and independence you have gained are not always welcomed in dating.

At work, we are encouraged to speak up and lead, but in relationships, we are often advised to ask fewer questions, soften our voices and avoid making men feel threatened.

Of course, marriage is not a reward for good behavior. A degree is not a marriage application, and being a "smart woman” does not mean the universe owes anyone a good man.

Women have changed; relationships haven't caught up Rwanda's marriage patterns have shifted considerably. According to the 2022 Population and Housing Census, the average age at first marriage rose between 1978 and 2022, from 21.2 to 25.3 for women and from 24.9 to 28.2 for men.

As women's access to education and the labor market expands, so do the circumstances in which people meet, marry and build households. This does not mean educated women cannot find husbands; it reflects changing expectations.

Modern women may still value security, family and provision, but increasingly expect these alongside emotional intimacy, fidelity, communication and genuine partnership.

In Kigali, you don't just date a person

Dating in Kigali can feel like dating in a small town. Everyone seems to know someone who knows you, and our social circles are often more connected than we realize. You can meet someone and discover the following week that your colleague's cousin went to school with his sister, who knows your ex-boyfriend.

I am telling you, privacy is a generous concept in these streets!

Being single is apparently not a personal matter. Everyone has a question, an opinion or, somehow, an answer. A casual "How is life?” can quickly turn into a conversation about marriage. Then come the comments: "You are too independent,” "Maybe your standards are too high,” or "Don't intimidate men.”

At some point, you start wondering whether standards are supposed to be high, low or simply invisible. But perhaps we should ask what exactly we mean by standards.

Are we asking for a custom-built human being?

Modern dating can feel like recruitment. The candidate must be educated but not arrogant, ambitious but available, financially secure but generous, emotionally intelligent but traditionally masculine, and confident but not intimidating. Bonus points if he can replace a car tire without calling for help.

Quite a shopping list, right? Perhaps the job description has changed.

But beneath the humor is a serious question: when do standards become an inability to tolerate human imperfection? It helps to distinguish values from preferences. Fidelity and emotional maturity are values; height and profession are preferences. Sometimes, we become so attached to the packaging that we forget to look at the person.

It is not only about what we expect from a partner, but also what we are willing to make room for. I have come to realize that independence can become a personality. Having managed my own life for so long, making room for someone else's way of doing things does not always come naturally to me. Partnership requires compromise, even when both people can stand on their own.

So, what does partnership mean now?

For many women, partnership means sharing a life that is already full, not finding someone to complete it. Wanting a dependable partner does not mean wanting to be carried. It simply means, "I don't want to carry everything anymore.”

UN Women research across eight districts in Rwanda highlights the gender gap in unpaid care and domestic work, with women shouldering more of these responsibilities. Genuine partnership means sharing both the financial and invisible work of building a home and family.

Men, too, are navigating changing expectations as relationships become more focused on shared decisions and responsibilities. Partnership requires compromise from both sides.

Perhaps the question is not whether women can find husbands, but whether two people can build a relationship that adds to the lives they have already created.

Wanting marriage does not mean giving up independence, just as living alone does not mean giving up on love.

Perhaps the real work of partnership is not learning to need each other less but learning how to make room for each other without losing ourselves.

The writer is a communications professional, book lover and curious observer of life.