The Simple Explanation: The return of ‘Brannifer’

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have been seen together in acts that can be described, if not as actual, definitive canoodling, then as parts of the processes that eventually lead to canoodling.

What is going on? Why are these two en route to canoodling at this, of all times?

 

Let me attempt to explain.

 

We will have to start with the background: long, long ago Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married.

 

No, not just married, they were the hot celebrity couple of the day, the heat of their romance made even more infernal by the new habit the tabloid press had discovered of creating cutesy couple names for celebs.

They seemed very keen to make the habit stick even though so far, Kimye is the only one that still has any traction.

And it sounds like a tasteless vegetable.

“He’s on a diet. Can’t eat anything but chia seeds and kimye salads. Honestly I would rather stay fat than eat like that.”

It was into this crucible that Jennifer Aniston’s heart was thrust and doomed.

Brad Pitt, after marrying Aniston, did a film with Angelina Jolie and then went on to leave Aniston and marry Jolie.

The tabloids were very pleased, happy that they could finally use “Brangelina”, because “Brannifer” was never going to take hold at a time when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were consuming all the attention as “Bennifer”.

From this point I shall be reporting off the analysis supplied by Relationship Expert Speedy, who also happens to be the nails guy at my salon (What? I am a professional writer. I use my fingers to work so they have to be in the best condition possible at all times). He was very ready to furnish me with his insight on the matter.

We trust Speedy’s expertise because he regularly reaffirms it with the question “Do I lie?” Something about those three words just inspires absolute confidence from a manicurist talking about showbiz couples he has never met.

Speedy explained that Jennifers tend to get cheated on a lot. “Every time someone tells me ‘That man left me for another woman,’ it is very likely to be a person named Jennifer,” Speedy says, “That name is cursed.”

We asked for statistics and he looked at us like the fools we were for even thinking that he had statistics to back him up. Speedy is one of those experts who don’t need facts. They know what they know. If Speedy wasn’t a manicurist in East Africa he would be working on policy in the Trump administration.

He went further to decry the rate at which Jennifers tend to lose said man to Angelinas. I paraphrase what he said, but it was along the lines of, “If you are called Jennifer and there is anyone called Angelina in your husband’s office, don’t waste time. Go to the office tonight and steal two computers then tell his boss that he is the one who took them. You have to get him fired from his job because for some reason, when people named Jennifer lose their men, it is often to some chick named Angelina. Do I lie? Jennifer Mutesi? Her man ran off with Angelina Igabire. Left four kids. Now has one more with Angelina. Jennifer Uwase? Boyfriend went off with Angela Barungi. And we all know Jennifer who had to dump her boyfriend because he used to double tap Angel Mutoni’s Instagram more than hers. See? Jennifers don’t deal with Angelinas. Do I lie?”

I am going to leave you with Speedy’s explanation because if it isn’t that, what are we left with? Something mundane about middle aged people whose marriages don’t work out, so they try to chase the past. The fact that the parties involved in this case are famous and talented barely makes the actual story less humdrum.

Let’s just stick with Speedy’s. Does he lie?

editor@newtimesrwanda.com

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