There is a real difference between Hearing and Listening

Hearing takes place when something disturbs the atmosphere and that disturbance takes the form of pressure waves that strike our ear drums as sound. Its the way we perceive sound. Listening is different. It expands on hearing when we pay attention to the meaning of what we hear. For example, a truck just rolled by on the road in front of our house. I heard the noisy rumble, knew what it was, and after that paid no attention whatever. We do that when were merely hearing the words someone else is speaking. Theyre just vibrations in the atmosphere. We nod, smile, perhaps even respond, but are we listening? Hardly. Listening requires that we open to the meaning of the other persons words, that we—in a very real way—enter into the experience those words are meant to convey. Its no longer just about sound but about the thoughts, feelings, point of view, expectations, memories, sensations, beliefs –the whole of the other person—or at least as much of the whole as is available in the moment. Wanting to be understood One simple way to understand listening is to ask yourself ; what do I want from the other person when I want to be understood? What we want most is to be appreciated. Not just heard, technically, but to feel like the other person gets us. In his book Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein coined the word grok. Its pronounced GRAHK, and it means to understand something so well that you fully absorb it into yourself. You know it through and through. You get it. Thats how we feel when we travel. We grok each other. Therefore theres no need for many words because we hear and listen -- body and being. Listening is not automatic. It takes practice. It takes intention.The most important quality of listening is that you allow yourself to step aside and be mindful of the others experience. That doesnt mean you have to abandon your own point of view. You merely set it aside for the time you are listening so you can be available to what wants to be communicated. When you listen, truly listen, the rewards are immediate. Because the better you listen the better you are appreciated. The better you appreciate the other, the better you are connected and the better your relationship. Relinquish your defenses One simple and effective way to practice listening is to relinquish your defenses. It goes like this:When you feel like you need to protect yourself from something your partner is saying or something your partner wants from you, thats the time to relax your point of view and listen. We know that sounds counter-intuitive. But it works. Were not saying you have to abandon what youre feeling or thinking. Not at all. In fact you shouldnt, because that would mean an abdication of self which leads to resentment and usually blaming the other. What you do is relax and just listen to your partners point of view. What you will find is that he or she has some truth to what he or she is saying or wanting. Also, because youre feeling defensive, some part of your position is flawed. If it werent, you wouldnt feel vulnerable and under threat and needing to defend yourself against you partner. After all, if you were in the right, there would be no need for concern.Defensiveness is always an indication that something about your point of view is not quite on point. When you open to your partner, you can discover what it is about your position that needs to change—for your own empowered growth AND the betterment of your relationship. And thats the reward. You havent lost –even if your partner gets what he or she wants, because the change benefits you and its for the betterment of your relationship. Listening is about dialogue. And dialogue is about connection. And connection fosters deeper intimacy and a closer bond. And its ultimately very romantic. www.saidaonline.com