How to become a successful and rich pastor

I’m going to get in trouble for publicly admitting to this perversion and writing this article will eliminate any prospect of me ever getting graced should I choose to become a pastor; not that that’s a big loss for me or the church but do you know what I really enjoy; what gives me a major giggle? I love it when I hear or read about believers who turn over their fortunes to men of God to get blessings, and healing. Note to self: I could offer salvation at a much cheaper price, half the price actually.
Creflo Dollar is a rich preacher of the prosperity gospel. Net Photo
Creflo Dollar is a rich preacher of the prosperity gospel. Net Photo

I’m going to get in trouble for publicly admitting to this perversion and writing this article will eliminate any prospect of me ever getting graced should I choose to become a pastor; not that that’s a big loss for me or the church but do you know what I really enjoy; what gives me a major giggle? I love it when I hear or read about believers who turn over their fortunes to men of God to get blessings, and healing. Note to self: I could offer salvation at a much cheaper price, half the price actually.

This writeup, will mean different things to different people. To the open minded it could mean a satirical post, to the ignorant, Zealot, hypocritical and Sadistic, it will amount to nothing more than an attempt to undermine the work of God. So if you are interested in becoming super rich and you wish to find an easy route to the top of the business world just follow along without fear or favour and I will show you just how.

As an aside, many particularly pious people in a few religions proclaim that being a pastor or man of God is for a few people so lucky as to have been called by God to serve. Don’t buy any of that. Many religious orders take vows of poverty. And Jesus is alleged to have said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (Although, I assume that’s a translation as his English wasn’t very good.) Some other religions also have parables praising poverty.

What are people who believe that penury is pious to do when, despite their best efforts, they come into money? Simple: This is Business. Let’s begin, shall we?

First things first: Polish up on your oratory skills. Get some good acting classes (especially those that teach to turn on joy, ecstasy, sadness and fear in a split second). Invest in some really nice threads and borrow a decent car (not too nice for starters, you have to live room for pity for the humbleness and modesty of your lifestyle for while showing you are sufficiently well placed to have a word or two worth listening to on bestowing prosperity through prayer and seeding and all that jazz).

Next step, hire a crowd and do a TV advert. Be sure to put your newly acquired oratory and dramatic skills to full effect in the TV advert. Make it a point to be seen to cure someone or to vanquish an evil spirit in the advert. The crowd-for-hire should act sufficiently mesmerized and high on your word. To this mix add a rumour that you once successfully battled demons in the netherworld as a kid and have since then had some uncanny ability to commune with, and control, the malevolent forces eager to breach the sanctity you can create over your congregations with your powers.

Now lastly, be prepared to dig deep into your pockets as you might dish out quite a bit of money to begin with but hey, every good investment is like that. You will be rolling in the dimes soon enough.

Lest I forget, your business won’t be as successful as you would love it to be if you forget to throw in a “Laawd” and “Gaaad” once in a while, and never forget to throw in a few verses about offertory and the monthly tithe, in fact if you learn only this, you’ll be 90 per cent of the way there. Tell your new converts that it is important to turn over all of their money rather than just most of it because, while people who are financially comfortable can get into heaven, they get homes in a bad neighborhood of heaven; they get noisy tables near the kitchen of heaven’s restaurants among other things they wish to avoid in heaven.

They should also turn over all of the money belonging to all of their loved ones — against their will if necessary — as an expression of their deep and unbinding love for them. After all, they wouldn’t want to see them shut out of the heavens, would they?

There you go lads. Care to send me a portion of what you make with this piece.

Have Your SayLeave a comment