Since my temporary retirement from the dating game and I am sorry but I can’t really talk about this retirement because there are people’s feelings involved here, I’ve become a beacon to the confused and broken hearted. I know, I know; I just to blabber and to hell with what the victims felt. However, as I’ve gotten older [receding hairline and all] I’ve learnt to avoid making enemies with the opposite sex. For, you see, those ex’s have cousins, sisters and girlfriends. Its best not to piss off all her entire circle; you never know where the next ex is coming from!
Well, it seems that my triumphs were being documented by random fellows because these days I’m being made into a male Oprah Winfrey- without the money and inch thick makeup.
Guys are coming up to me and pouring out their hearts. No fools, not in that way, ahem, ahem…but rather their girl troubles. One fellow is particularly sad. He’s liked this girl for the past two years but he hasn’t had the b*lls to go and spill his guts.
The problem of using the Old Bachelor as your agony uncle is thus: I will laugh at you and your pathetic love life. And this guy got the entire treatment; I laughed, slapped my knee and called him all kinds of names like coward, snake, and poor excuse of a male homo sapien.
I mean, it’s not as if she was Jessica Alba or someone like that, his love interest was a classmate and his friend to boot. If that wasn’t an open goal, without a goalkeeper, then I don’t know what one was!
I quickly gave him a plan of action and wished him the best. That was a month and a half ago. A few days back the same chap comes back and guess what? He still hasn’t moved an inch from his former position. This time I didn’t laugh. No sir, this was an emergency. He needed a serious talk.
I sat him down and gave him the low down on what being a male entailed. First of all, I told him, to be a man is to suffer. To be a man is to have a thick skin. I mean, if every guy froze on the sight of a female and refused to take a risk where would the human race be? Extinct!
“Look, I said, if she says yes to your proposal then thank God”.
“However, if she says no, then its her loss; she obviously doesn’t know a good thing when she sees one”, I ended.
Well, the fellow walked away vowing to be a man. I’m still waiting for him to come back and give me the news. Uncle OB is ready and willing to be of assistance; just write and we’ll discuss your sorry life.