HUMOUR : The untold story

Last December’s holiday was the longest for primary and secondary schools. Many children were sent to exile “grand parent’s place” because they are experts in dehorning boys and girls. They are also experts in manufacturing stories that no fool can believe. Kids, when kept busy with these stories, cannot commit sins that are only known to them, God and the devil himself.

Last December’s holiday was the longest for primary and secondary schools. Many children were sent to exile “grand parent’s place” because they are experts in dehorning boys and girls. They are also experts in manufacturing stories that no fool can believe. Kids, when kept busy with these stories, cannot commit sins that are only known to them, God and the devil himself. Today’s children are more exposed than we were, that makes them experts in inventing new sins everyday. 

In order for Kabare to save his head from getting bad at a very high rate, he sent his son Daddy alias domestic looter to his grandmother. This boy was allergic to seeing anything around their home.

He took and sold spoons, plates and other household items to get money to show off at school. “Oh Lord! Why did I give birth to this domestic terrorist? Oh Lord! I wish I gave birth to a sack of potatoes that I would feast on “he said to himself”.

He also sent his daughter Dushimiyimana alias Miss Asset to her grandmother. With the growing of cabbages on her chest, he felt the need to cut her off from these young men who had a habit of whistling near his compound in a bid to call her out of the house.

These men were so stubborn that, even after he coughed to register his presence, they would not move. This made him think of giving them a lift to their early graves.

On the other hand he was not ready to accept an invitation to the most secure place on earth where one gets free food, clothing and a twenty-four hours security.

It was for this reason that he sent them to the exile. However he had a Justifiable fear of not winning a tender to exchange Miss Asset with cows and some papers printed by National Bank of Rwanda.

Another reason that made him send them to exile, was the fear of the illegal coalition they were forming with their mother to frustrate all his projects. His wife had forgotten that these two youngsters were visitors who had visited them and soon they will go to form their coalitions elsewhere leaving them divided. He concluded that she must have been chopped from another man’s rib.

Two weeks ago he came home very late. When he knocked at the door for about half an hour, this Amazon never opened. She was either in the others side of the world or pretending to be sound asleep. After some time the level of his sugar rose and the cup of his anger overflowed and he threatened to fly with the door. On hearing this she cleared her throat and opened her mouth at the top of her voice as if she was talking to a person in the furthest end of the estate.

“What time of the night is it? And you are coming when even the devil himself is deeply a sleep? I have given you an official permission to go back where you were” She rasped. He felt betrayed by this sharp reproach.

Meanwhile, he had had a very vigorous game of hide and seek with the papers that are printed by the National Bank of Rwanda. Whenever he come a close to these papers, they flew as if he had the deadly disease called swine flu (HINI). Since he had no money for tax, he had to walk for many miles and as a result arrive home later than usual
“I cannot sleep outside like a lorry “he said to himself. 

He decided to seek for mercy from his daughter Miss Asset. He knocked at her window. Alas! Like mother like daughter.” Did you marry me or my mother?  You cannot be ashamed?  Am I your concubine? She rasped.

In no time this lioness and the she- cub opened the door and grabbed him like a hot Imyumbati. Before he could say Jacky Robinson they had spun him in the air like Ronaldo’s shot.

What happened later is only found in the latest Chinese movies. His grey matter found in his forhead “ brain” quickly told him that the two  must have been taking some latest Judo Karate lessons at Kabuga social hall without his knowledge.

After a prolonged encounter with this lioness and the cub, his head resembled a dehorned rhino with blood oozing like hot springs in the Great Rift Valley. 

Meanwhile the other members of their extended family like rats were greatly surprised by this strange behavior and so they all ran to safety.

Why did God design that a man must form a condition with a chip chopped from another man’s limbs? Is this the same woman who hugs me at the end of the month when my wallet is loaded with papers that makes everyone smile?

She would invent and combine vocabularies they used during their courtship. She would ask “what would you like to eat my honey? What temperature would you like your bathing water to be?

Hot medium or lukewarm?” She would remove his coat while checking the weight of the wallet. What is more, she would not feel the smell of his stinking socks.

The other days of the month, his wallet was also loaded but with cutting of old cartoons and other related types of rubbish. “Is there any manhood in you? Oh our most highest God of Abraham, the cruelest man born of a woman because he sent Ishmael his first born son in the desert without any packed lunch. Oh lord of Noah, who invented the first Kanyanga, the spirit that could start and drive a dilapidated tractor that was abandoned in Lebanon forest during the catastrophe of Noah’s flood. You are the same lord who humbled the famous grass eater, his Excellency Sir, Nebuchadnezzar, the first cousin of the gorilla by sending him to the forest for seven years. Oh lord you made a great mistake by giving us his half a man if not a quarter man. He only invests in Kanyanga and ichyayaje’s bank account. He drinks this men’s Juice as if he was paid to clear the remaining stock before it goes bad.

Miss Asset likewise could come running, holding an old end of the term class report form of her best position in class. She would come armed with sweet words to bribe him to buy her three bars of milk chocolates and a packet of sweet strawberry yoghurt.

“Surely love in my home is measured by the weight and the content in my wallet” Kabare lamented. On the other hand his son disappointed him. When the lioness and the she-cub join to work on him, this domestic terrorist “daddy” would quickly assume the role of a set appointed referee, by cheering and counting the scores as the two opposing teams fight for the tournament.

“Son what kind of a man are you, that you cannot give a helping hand? You just watch as this lioness and the she-cub work on me? I swear in the name of Biranto my ancestor, that I will never give you any share of my land in Isinya and the two plots in Kimironko and Kibagabaga.

“This has nothing to do with inheritance. Surely there is no manhood in you if a man like you who looks like a retired wrestler can be beaten by a lioness.” His son answered. “Son I bet your lioness will be ten times worse and you will remember me,” he told his son.

The combination of all these frustrations, the domestic looter, Miss Asset and the Amazon made him wet his throat as if it was his last day to earn. To minimize this he sent his two children to their grandmother for dehorning. Meanwhile, he was left with one major assignment of dealing with the real lioness.

Surely, homes are like a burning fire that no one can explain the magnitude of suffering without bitterness at home. You will agree with me that no man goes in public to admit that he was beaten by his wife unless he has a loose nut in his headquarters. This is the untold story.

iruxnjau@yahoo.com

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