Dear Aunt Silvia,
I am a newly wed man. Before I got married- my wife and I dated for six years before I proposed marriage. I waited for this long because I wanted to see if she is the kind of a woman I need in my life, one who perseveres and can stand the test of time, and this she proved.
Since we are both Christians we never even once engaged in sex for all the time we were together. She told me that she is a virgin and I respected and loved her even more.
All this time I dint know that she was just pretending to be who she is not. On the first night of us sharing our marital bed – I realized that my wife was not a virgin.
I decided to ask her as to why she lied about her virginity, and she told me that hers was secondary virginity. Please explain to me what secondary virginity means.
I respect you for being a very patient young man; very rarely will you find a man and a young one at that waiting to touch a girl for six years and only after marriage. Even some of those who call themselves saved, rarely practice what they preach and do exactly the opposite once darkness prevails.
What happened between you and your partners is that there was no proper communication about the whole issue about one being a virgin or not.
And this is because sometimes we feel as if it is a taboo to ask someone such questions, and instead we just brush on the issue as a by the way- for us to regret a little bit too late.
Secondary virginity is practiced by any person who was once sexually active before marriage and then realized that what they were doing was not right or proper, and were also at risk in contracting sexually transmitted diseases the mother of all being HIV/AIDS, decide that they will no longer engage in sexual activities until the day they get into a serious union which will culminate into marriage.
I think when your girlfriend mentioned the words “secondary virginity” it was not clear to you, and you on the other hand didn’t raise a question regarding the same, so she thought that it was well with you.
A virgin or not the fact still remains that you love and have already committed yourself to be with her for the rest of your lives, which I think is the most important thing to think about right now.
Believe you me, whether you marry a virgin or not no man will come and test for you to attest that indeed you married a virgin, and that is your secret. Have you not seen men marrying widows, divorced women or even single mothers?
If a man can decide to marry a woman who was once married or already has children, don’t you think that at the back of their minds they know that these women were once sexually active before they met them?
My advice to you is that you hang on to your wife and love her just the same, even if you marry a real virgin today, she would not remain so forever, isn’t it?
They say the food is the same, how one prepares it, is what matters. So the ball is in your wife’s court to make sure that she does her best to maintain your love for her.