FICTION : When OPRAH hosted Osama Bin laden

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to the hottest Tee-Vee talk–show on planet earth, watched by 21 million viewers in 208 countries.” “As usual, I am Oprah your hostess. Today’s show is kind of…err... unusual. That’s why we’ve got here a Doctor and a Pastor. Doctor, please, say something to the audience,” Oprah said amidst deafening applause.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to the hottest Tee-Vee talk–show on planet earth, watched by 21 million viewers in 208 countries.”

“As usual, I am Oprah your hostess. Today’s show is kind of…err... unusual. That’s why we’ve got here a Doctor and a Pastor. Doctor, please, say something to the audience,” Oprah said amidst deafening applause.

(Clearing his voice) “My name is  Lloyd Stravinsky. People with the following health cases listen carefully and do as advised: Those with the following phobias you can please use the back door immediately! Nucleomituphobia, that’s the fear of nuclear weapons, Heplo-phobia; the fear of guns, Hemo-phobia, the fear of blood; lastly, Tephe-phobia; the fear of being buried alive.

And…uh...all you with any type of heart complication, weak bladder and sphincter muscles, use the same door, please. Thank you. Over to you, Oprah,” the pastor concluded.
“Thank you Doctor Stravinsky. Pastor, the floor is yours,” Oprah with her usual charm, said.

“In normal circumstances, I’d have asked you to close your eyes, but not today. So, don’t even think about blinking,” the pastor advised.

“Man, like a flower lives a short time,” he began, what followed I didn’t hear, then, “Amen,” I chorused along.
 “Thank you, pastor. Before I welcome our special guest, let’s first watch one of many non-fiction horror movies…but first, people without hankies raise your hands, I brought boxes of Kleenex…believe me you are going to need them.

This 2001 film titled “September nine/eleven” won many awards including BEST TERRORISM FEATURE AWARD. It was starred….oops! (The power went off)…calm down people, it’s going to be alright. Power cuts are the trademark of our guest today.”

After watching the horror piece for about five minutes, sniffs and sobs could be heard all over the room. Then the lights came on again.

“Ladies and gentlemen, behold, Osama Bin Laden!”

”Oh my God, it’s him! Please, hold my hand, am going to susu (wet ma pants),” I heard the woman next to me say. I wanted to laugh but how could I? My adrenaline level was hitting the ceiling. I could hardly breathe.

“…earth to earth, dust to dust. If God won’t have you, the devil will.” Were those the Pastor’s last words or is it the voice in me?

“Do you think he’s going to blow our a%*es to bits?” Someone asked in a whisper. For the first time in my life the thought of meeting my creator flashed through my mind.

Oh! My God! I wish I went to church more often. I couldn’t even remember the last time I went to church. In fact we’re not on speaking terms with God. How could I be after what happened the last time? I remember I prayed, worshiped, and all that…just like other Christians.

When time for offering a little something to the Almighty came, I put two one hundred francs in the collection plate. Just then, the person behind me tapped me on the shoulder, when I turned, he handed me a five thousand note.

Admiring his generosity, I put the red note on the plate. Seconds later, the same dude tapped me again. Leaning forward he whispered, “Man, that was your money; it fell out of your pocket!”

First, I smiled not grasping he really meant. Then, I checked my pocket’s, that’s when reality hit me! With clenched teeth and closed fist I stood up and shouted Nooooo! Then I stormed out kicking and cursing all the way home.

Till today that was the last time I thought of church.
Back in the Oprah hall, the mood was so tense. My heart was beating like a bass-drum. “Our father who art…” calm down, I coached myself …sure you can handle this, remember you’re an adult, tough, not only African black man but a Rwandan! Like some Canadian general, you didn’t only shake hands with the devil; you wined, dined &rubbed shoulders with the devil! So, quit acting like these white& afro –American-Teenie –weenies.

Now all eyes were on this tall mysterious  man, clad in a pair of levis Straus-jeans, white tee-shirt, Italian leather black jacket & Timberland boots and a lot of Bling-bling, he could easily be mistaken for Ludacriss (Hip hop artist).
“People, here he is ...in person!” Oprah was saying shaking his hands.

Yes, shaking hands. Forget the hugs and pecks; those are reserved for the likes of Lionel Ritchie, Martin Lawrence etc.

“Are those boots the real thing?” Oprah asked. “By the way you smell great! Which Cologne are you wearing? (She was all over him like chicken- pox)

“The cologne is Biagiotti by Aramis and this watch is pulsar, pure plutonium! Sorry, titanium.”

Oprah- You look & sound American, do you like America?
Bin- America loves me.

After he settled down in the seat, AK47 on his lap, he put the metallic briefcase at his side.

Oprah- If I may ask, what’s in there?

Bin- Um… (Shrugs shoulder) usual stuff, detonators, a couple of c4 bombs and some hi-tech liquid explosives.

Oprah-  Mr.Osama, can you briefly tell us about you & the things that you do?

Bin- First, I’d like to thank you and all these hostages for inviting me and...

Oprah interrupts - Excuse me Mr. Osama, these are not hostages okay?

Bin- Yes, I know maybe not yet but just in case the FBI boys try to play some games with me.

Oprah and the audience look stunned. Osama continues nonchalantly. “Well, my name is Osama son of Laden, born in Saudi-Arabia on 10th march 1957, a Moslem and very hardworking.

Oprah – You refused the drink I offered you, you’re carrying a gun...may even be wearing a bullet-proof jacket…are you worried about your security?

Bin-  Security? Ha ha! I control security of this planet. Didn’t take your drink because am fasting, no bullet proof jacket because am bullet–proof, Ask George or Mr. Obama and am carrying this AK just like Enrique Eglesias carries a guitar.

Oprah- People say you shoot & blast people with bombs, is it true Mr. Osama?

 Bin- Action speaks louder than words (cocks his gun, opens briefcase, pulls out a bomb the size of a laptop, presses some buttons and throws it at the audience…)
I wake up in a cold sweat!

martin.bishop18@yahoo.com

ADVERTISEMENT