HUMOUR : The most favourable bird hunting season is here

Just look at this; (a) all the (bird) grasshoppers are home (in town), even those from the Diaspora (b) They will all be in a good mood, ready to mix and mingle! Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens every year around this time. There is a way the festive season ushers in a euphoria that works on the moods of every bird, making them vulnerable (should I say, benevolent), hence the most favourable time to hunt. As a hunter, you need to be at your best at this time so that you can make the best of it; otherwise you might find yourself looking back with regrets as you go through the barren season which sets in immediately after celebrations to mark the New Year. That is when the euphoria dies down completely as birds start looking ahead at a long year with uncertainty. This affects them psychologically, making them develop a defence mechanism that makes hunting them quite challenging. On my countdown, we still have slightly over a week before the bird hunting crunch sets in. This, my friends, is what we call the science of hunting. I have been very busy the last two weeks; One week was for preparation while the other one was for getting down to work. And work I did! I bumped into this Diaspora bird and at first it was difficult getting some conversation going because her English accent was prohibitive. By prohibitive I mean it was difficult to understand her fully because some words she said would get lost between her tongue and the nasal airway. But then a hunter dies like a hunter and that is why I would pretend that I understood everything she said. I could even do the Afande Idd Amin Dada, VSO, CBE, Blah Blah, stunt; I would laugh out loud when I wasn’t even sure what she said was funny or not. On most occasions she would also laugh along and this would really boost my confidence a great deal. Well, at the end of the day, I found myself also using an accent whose origin I wasn’t sure of because, truth be said, it was neither American nor English. I think it was between Kinyarwanda, Kiswahili and Gibberish. Perhaps she thought I originated from some alien nation but she did not seem to mind much because one thing led to another and I won the day. End of item. Did you know we have life at the beach in Rwanda? That’s where my next hunting venture took me. I was mu majharuguru, a stone throw away from the land of ndombolo ya solo. We in Kigali are a miserable lot because we don’t know that our compatriots who live a few hours drive within our boundaries are living like they are in Miami, USA. These fellas are enjoying life 24/7 on the beach and they don’t even care that some of us living in the capital only see sandy Lake shores on TV and in dreams. I was really shocked to see big numbers of birds clad in bikinis of different colours and sizes happily running the expanse of the beach as others played beach volleyball. I immediately knew that this was a rich hunting ground. Actually I blamed myself for not having been here before. I rushed to change into my beach attire and prepared myself for a long day of mixing and mingling in the forest of bikinis on the beach. The day was indeed long and I should say that I have never enjoyed life like I enjoyed that time. At one time I would be playing and flirting with a section of birds in one corner of the beach, and in another instance I would be playing volleyball with another group of birds. The birds fancied my style because I was the only gentleman who was bold enough to notice that they badly needed company and volunteered to give it to them. The other hunters that I could see around were huddled under beach umbrellas feeling sorry for themselves, looking at the birds like hyenas. Before noon that day, I had earned celebrity status on the beach. I could hear some of them shout “Bird Hunter! Tutaku vote” and I wondered whether they were trying to urge me to stand for President during the next elections. Every bird group wanted my company but as you know me, I can’t hunt a whole group of birds. I wanted to target a few of them and then draw a hunting timetable which I would execute pro-actively. At the end of the day, as the sun went to sleep making a silhouette at the horizon that beautifully reflected in the Kivu waters, I was lying on the beach surrounded by a selection of the top 10 gorgeous birds. As they chatted and gossiped to each other, I was busy contemplating how best I could conduct another round of selection so that I zero down to the top 5. But have trust for the bird hunter; I managed to do this without a hitch. I am now looking forward to my next kill during the coming week. Happy New Year! Ends