Do you know why I play hard to get? Let me tell you why. There is a time when Aggrey laid a trap for me. You see, he had been so impatient with my ‘celibacy’ situation. That is why he laid a trap for me – he left me at his Nyarutarama villa in the presence of a future bride. He proceeded to convince her that I was an expatriate who had flown all the way from Europe. IBAZE! He told this Miss Dynamite that I was the king of all kings. I was the untouchable. I was sleek and cool, but above all I was carrying a very heavy money purse, not to mention a bulging bank account. Here I was motionless, listening to my blind date, as she switched on in a bid to impress me. She had to impress me so that I pick her out from the many other candidates that wanted to kubohoza me into marriage. Somehow, word had spread that I was searching for a bride. I was under immense pressure of finding myself a bride otherwise the elders in the village were on the verge of excommunicating me from their cocktail of clans. To show how serious they were, the elders promised to host the introduction ceremony. This offer was very welcome indeed. However, it is not from sheer pity or concern that the elders advanced this offer. It was because they simply wanted to use such an occasion, to wet their ageing throats with cold drinks. In the villages, there are very few refrigerators available. Even the few fridges located in the bars are not used for cooling purposes. This is because; electricity is a very rare specie in these parts of the world. That is why you will always find things like books and old newspapers, stashed away in the fridges. In other words, the fridges are used as cupboards instead of cooling facilities. Since there are no cold beers in the village, my elders would have to host my introduction ceremony without drinks. So, when I called to thank the elders about their generous offer of hosting my mihango, the spokesman uttered out these words, “Son, if we had electricity in this village, we could have supplied the drinks as well”. Wow! This could mean only one thing. I had to carry the crates of beer all the way from Kigali. Could I afford it? Now, Diaspoman is not a rich man as purported by my long time friend, Aggrey. What my peers did not know was that my stay in the Diaspora yielded negative returns. I had been in the Diaspora for eight years, but the small investment that I had made, never realized any profits. I even never reached the break-even point. My investment eight years ago was in form of an air ticket. But after eight years of toiling, I failed to raise funds for an air ticket to ferry me back home. In fact, my gratitude goes all the way back to Aggrey who sent me a soft loan from Kigali by the means of Western Union. Naturally, I was in an awkward situation, when I found myself explaining to the Bank employee, why I was the one receiving funds from Africa instead of the opposite. My peers have also failed to grasp the fact that I am not in a position to rent a single roomed flat and that is why I am enjoying in the luxurious environment at Aggrey’s villa in Nyarutarama. My peers, including this lady who is right now chattering away, thinks that I left the Diaspora to come and chew a big post in Kigali. She thinks that the Villa is mine and the four-wheel jeep parked outside will soon give her a ride to town and back. So, when the elders told me that I would have to bring drinks from Kigali, I realized that the offer they had advanced to me was just hot air. What did they mean when they talked about hosting my introduction ceremony? Surely this should have included eats and drinks! Would I call them to cancel my future wedding plans? No, that would not go down very well. Instead, I decided that I would play it hard for any advancing chicks. I would make it very difficult and my conditions would be very stiff indeed. I had to start off with this chatterbox first! Miss dynamite was already writing down her wish list for me to consider. I figured out that if I came clean, her dynamite would explode. So I had to play my cards with caution diaspoman@yahoo.com
