DIASPOMAN:When ‘Advance’ blocked Zero-distance

Have you attended weddings where the bride is about to give birth there and then? Yes, this is what is commonly referred to as ‘Advance”.

Have you attended weddings where the bride is about to give birth there and then? Yes, this is what is commonly referred to as ‘Advance”.

 This thing has been the norm for a long time – I remember way back in the mid 90s when Aggrey and I attended a wedding in Gisenyi.

Afande Niko happened to be the Best Man on this special day. As Best Man, Afande Niko had improvised the necessary ingredients of a great wedding ceremony.  

The ingredients were in form of crude Uganda Waragi mixed with Johnny Walker whiskey.

He mixed these potent drinks and poured the contents into a bottle of coca cola. You see, those days, it was quite tricky to find booze at wedding ceremonies.

So, people guzzled soda after soda – but for the wise guys like Afande Niko, several bottles of booze in form of Dry Gin would be smuggled in and mixed with coca cola or Fanta. 

Unfortunately, the bridegroom got so excited and swallowed many bottles of these special sodas which led to him suffering a severe blackout.

It was at this stage that the bridegroom was whisked away creating the need for a quick substitute to be sought!  

After a wacky short selection process, a new bridegroom was appointed. To my surprise, all fingers were being pointed towards our direction.

Wow! Was it me they had chosen or was it Aggrey? Perhaps Jean Claude who was our driver at this occasion? Nope.

It was actually none other than Diaspoman himself.  So I willingly offered my services and was quickly guided to the high table.

As I sat next to the pretty but rather disappointed bride, I began to also partake from those special coca colas.  

Meanwhile, I could hear the master of ceremonies playing his music for the eager guests. His music was not in form of kwasa kwasa nor was it in form of Country music.

It was not even in form of Amalaba. Instead, it was a very slow and romantic song that was meant for the wedding couple – in brief, we were supposed to open the dance.

Mr. Diaspoman was going to act as the real bridegroom and take to the floor with the sobbing bride. 

The MC was already announcing the introduction of Kenny Rodgers’ “You decorate my life”. 

Although my heart was resisting the idea of opening a dance of a stranger’s wedding, my feet were already so much ahead of me. I found myself extending my hand to the bride. I took her to the middle of the hall amidst cheers.

It was when I attempted to put my arm around this dame that I realized what uphill task was waiting for me. A round object immediately touched my tummy.

Had she stuffed some items under her snow-white wedding gown? I tried getting closer for the famous zero distance but the object just kept me away.

This was not zero distance. It was more or less a 23-distance! So I had to dance with my hands outstretched.

My butt was forced to extend backwards so that I could find some semblance of balance. Well, apparently our bridegroom had already scored an Eto’o Fils like goal!

Thanks to the “Advance” that the bride was carrying. It surely wiped out my dreams of dancing with a Gisenyi bride at a Zero distance!