DIASPOMAN:When the Expo exposed me to the real world!

It was the recent Kigali Expo that finally exposed me to the real world. You see, in my long search for a bride, I thought I had finally landed on the right person until I decided to visit the Expo. You know that my problem with ladies has always been ‘Budget’ related. I had still failed to find a lady who is anti SFB. In case you need some clarifications, I should tell you that SFB has several meanings. The first kind of SFB is the School of Finance and Banking. I have been telling myself that I could hook a bride from this University. But it is here that I have scored the least marks in terms of bride search. I do not need to mention that I have also been receiving miserable marks in Economics and Business law. Okay, the second SFB stands for Special Frothy Beers. I have been thinking that this is the area that could finally lead me to the lucky bride. Perhaps I could hook someone from these drinking holes all over town. However, I have still failed to find that one single lady who would be willing to consume cheaper SFBs such as Amstel and Bell beer. Almost all ladies that I have come across insist on expensive wines and Rams. They will always choose the most expensive joints and fearlessly place an order for wines such as; Fume Blanc, Inglenook, Montrose and Chateau de Leelanau. My only saviour at such moments is that the waiters always come up with the right answer; “Madam, we do not sell such beers here”. Hurray! Good waiter indeed. I like a waiter who cannot differentiate wines from beers. When I come across a waiter who provides answers that save my pockets, I always leave behind a hefty tip of not less than 100 francs. Anyways, I usually end up enjoying my bottles of Amstel as the chick settles for a bottle of Fanta. But of recent, I was confronted by an incident that showed me how wolves hide themselves in sheep’s skin. Yes, I finally met a lady who professed to me that she was a cousin of an angel although she happened to be more than that. I took her out for dinner on two occasions and I was convinced that she was the right candidate. I was so convinced that I summoned Aggrey so that we could plan for an introduction ceremony. I advised Aggrey that my new fiancée was a saved girl and indeed she hailed from a very strict family. Therefore we would not tolerate any booze on the introduction day. However we had to plan for the other bazeyis who would travel all the way from Mutara. We had to budget for crates of beers which they would crush after the introduction ceremony was over. Everything was set. I was now going to contact all relatives, friends and in-laws about this very important day. I also had to get out there to shop for “our” new life. I called my chick and invited her for a shopping spree. Could we go together to Nyabugogo market? No dear, I have to attend to my Auntie who is at King Faisal. Ah sorry! Since my fiancée could not go with me to Nyabugogo I decided to take the shortcut. So I walked from SFB campus and instead tried my shopping at the ongoing Expo. The Expo was buzzing with throngs of people. The air was full of nice roasted goat aromas. Music was booming from all corners. A live band was performing as Rwandans danced to the tunes. I approached the Bralirwa area and I felt a certain urge to gulp one cold Amstel. The cash that was stashed away in my pockets was to buy a pair of bed sheets plus some cutlery. I was not here for Amstels and roasted meat. I tried to resist the temptation but I failed the test. That is how I found myself pulling the plastic chair to sit. As I started gulping one Amstel after another, I recognized a familiar voice right behind me. I turned around and was shocked at what I saw. There was my future bride having a swell time with a group of macho looking men. This is the person who had told me that she was attending to her ill Auntie at the King Faisal hospital! What was happening? I rubbed my eyes again. Phew, in her right hand was a cigarette. The left hand was clutching tightly on a bottle of Primus. Her right leg was up in the air kicking to the tunes of “Mugati na butter”. My future bride who was supposed to be a teetotaler was busy swallowing Primus like there was no real tomorrow! When I approached her, the macho looking guys stood up. They must have been 7ft tall! Things were becoming elephant for me. And that is why I had no choice but to tuck my tail between the legs. Indeed, the Expo had exposed me to the real world. diaspoman@yahoo.com