Now I know you are marveling at how the BH’s luck is dwindling fast. First he ‘prison breaks’ from imminent maximum bottle detention in Lagos only to fall in the tentacles of the ladies in blue, in the one and only land of 1K hills! Well, if you read this third rate column last week, you wouldn’t be looking at my escapades of the last two weeks as a case of dwindling fate. No sir! (I have learnt this during my ongoing ‘detention’, only that I have found out that this time round grammatical order is not respected. Calling a bird ‘sir’ is new to me. But then, I am still learning)
I am happily ‘detained,’ if you know what I mean. For those who did not read me last week, I was narrating how I went to stade Ama-Peace to celebrate two things; my liberation from bottle detention in Nigeria and the national liberation.
I would like to reiterate here once again that bird hunting was not in the least on my mind that day.
I was purely in celebration mood, not business. But one thing overtook the other and I was overcome by temptation, finding myself among a battalion of bird cops who fell flat for my charms.
Trouble was, my earlier activities had made me quite close to one of them, who had immediately taken it in her own liberty to assume that she was the defacto owner of the one and only bird hunter.
But I can assure you that I had done nothing more than approaching her after the parade to congratulate her for a good performance, that’s all.
Well, it is indeed true that as she waited for transport back to the barracks we had a long chat about other things, mainly centered around her, including the fact that her body made the cop uniform look like a designer outfit by Calvin Klein, etc, etc… I also remember telling her that I suspected that whoever chose her to be on the parade was a talented ex-beauty pageant judge.
But this is not enough to think you should go ahead to conquer and occupy (pun indeed intended) the Bird Hunter.
But that is what happened because I am now in detention for the simple fact that I asked for independence to mix and mingle.
I swear the things I had said earlier on were gotten out of me under duress. Yes, there might have been no torture instruments used but then, don’t they say that in a desert, dirty pool water tastes like mineral water?
My defence is, I said all those things because I did not know what I was talking about.
I am not denying the fact that afande bird was indeed very shapely and birdly but that is because I had not come face to face with the complete menu that afande Maria had on offer.
That is when I also came face to face with the law of occupation. Little did I know that the bird’s law of occupation states that “First seduce, first take” in other words, the first bird you talk to should be the one you stick with to the end. How strange! How are men, especially bird hunters, surviving out here? No wonder so many men are dropping out of the race in big numbers every other Saturday.
I wonder if God is a bird. Otherwise it is hard to understand how these birds do wield so much power over men like this.
Well, oblivious of this law of occupation I went ahead and violated every single article and annex in it. I had no idea that I was dealing with cop birds whose business was to enforce the law!! Upon losing eye contact for a couple of minutes at a cop liberation party where afande bird had taken me as part of her conquest plan, I decided to mix and mingle.
And mingle I did! I set the ‘house’ on fire, getting all the bird cops on the floor in the process.
That is the situation that got me in trouble, leading to my being whisked away in handcuffs, to the bewilderment of the already ecstatic birds whose life I had started to influence significantly.
Since then I have been under house arrest.
The accusations include mixing with other birds contrary to the law of occupation with intent to heartbreak, causing fracas and exciting law enforcers with intent to make them disregard the law, blah, blah, blah. But due to the conditions of my detention, I have started contemplating serving a life sentence. Stay tuned.