Dumped by binti Abacha

As I was narrating to you my almost James Bond-like stunts in the land where women have discovered the solution to the randy ways of men, I remember telling you how I narrowly survived being victim of this black woman technology, which I should say is woman’s greatest discovery of all time. And I am sure that Nigerian women must be a proud lot for being the ones to discover this formula that is capable of eradicating their one and only misery on this earth, taming a man’s wandering mind. Every woman in this world, black and white, shares this problem and that is the reason you will be told that even the rich and famous women cannot stay in marriages. God forbid! But once the Noojirian sisters decide to acquire a copyright and start distributing the ‘black technology’ to the rest of the world, we, I mean us bird hunters will be in trouble, and I mean real serious trouble. Once this happens I might be forced to start a global body that will ensure that there is no extinction of bird hunters. As I was telling you, I met a real Nigerian General’s daughter and one thing led to another and after a couple of hours together she developed the idea that my place should be in the bottle. All I can tell you is that it was all her fault, because even though she was dealing with a world class bird hunter without knowing, she has no right to expose any man, bird hunter or not, to such a degree of temptation. I can assure you that the temptation threshold for any man cannot go beyond a couple of hours and this will depend on the kind of temptation involved. I know of some men who can faint or lose their minds due to temptation. By taking me to her house which was virtually a bird’s nest, I think this bird was merely looking out for reasons to demobilize me. But a bird hunter of my calibre has to have strong instincts that can enable him to smell trouble when it starts brewing. That is what happened. That is how I managed to put together a timely exit plan before the ‘engineer’ unleashed her technology on me. Once out of danger and roaming the vast seaport city of Lagos, I started thinking of Plan B. It was then that my mind thought of something familiar-the bird that brought me to this country in the first place. Oh yes! Without hesitation I pulled out my phone and dialled Genevieve Utaka, alias Maimuna Abacha’s number. I did not expect her to answer so fast because it was almost midnight but she did. From the noise and the excitement in her voice, I was sure she was at a party or in a club. She was like “hello, who am I talking to?” in the trademark Nollywood accent. I informed her that the person on my end of the phone was none other than the bird hunter from the land of 1k hills, the one that assured her that soon or later we would be meeting. She was like “ooohhh my gaad! When did you arrive? I have been waiting and waiting, you did not even tell me you are coming!” I duly informed her that surprise is my style and asked her how we could meet so we could take it up from there. She asked me where I was so she could come and pick me. I went to the nearest club around where I was and ordered for a beer so that by the time she came I would be as high as a kite and therefore would be under no obligation to answer so many questions because I was sure that if she were to write down the questions she had for me to answer, she would have needed a mile long paper. But then, I realized that going to that club was a very big mistake! As I was busy irrigating my throat, my mind started running pictures of a scenario where a gorgeous bird would come and tap me on the shoulder and when I turned my jaw would drop in awe. And then the sexily dressed bird extended her hand smiling like a real play girl saying, “Hi bird hunter, this is Genevieve Utaka, welkom to Noojiria”. But as my mind was busy playing out the scene where I was reciprocating by bowing like a real playboy and introducing myself and telling her how heaven must be having a deficit of one angel at that moment, I was startled by the presence of the general’s daughter. I was indeed perplexed and almost choked on my beer. She stood there, arms akimbo, without uttering a word. My mind went into a sprint, trying to fetch a solution to the problem. That is how I found myself mumbling sheepishly to her, “do you have that bottle with you?” This did the trick because I saw her furious face soften into a smile and then hearty laughter. She was like “so that is why you ran away?” I did not reply by words, I just shook my head in affirmative. She burst out laughing again. But if you thought that there was reconciliation and making up, that is not what happened. Well, this was about to happen had Genevieve not entered the scene. The situation became unbearable as I was subjected to answering questions fielded from both sides “Bird hunter, who the hell is this?” “No, it’s me who needs to know, who the devil is this?” Anyway, do you want to know how I survived this? Catch you next week! Ends