DIASPOMAN: When the men in yellow foiled our narrow escape

I believe that I have shared with you before on how I one day lost all my valuables in a pit latrine. Not only had I lost my valuables but I also faced the tough looking traffic men in yellow! In case you have forgotten, this is a time when I had gone to the north western part of our beloved land in search of a bride. I had gone there with an SFB classmate. As I have been telling you over and over again, my kind of bride is the one who detests expensive drinks such as Amarula. She would be the one who dislikes the taste of red wine and French fries. Instead, the suitable madam for Diaspoman would have to be the one who loves the bottle of Primus. Just 2 bottles would be sufficient for my bride and in the process my wallet would stop crying in poverty. So that’s what happened to me on that fateful day when Aggrey lent me his Toyota pickup so that I could pay a visit to a prospective madam. I drove out of town escorted by my SFB classmate and we headed north east where it is said that Primus happens to be the most expensive drink. That is to say that if I landed upon a lady drinking Primus, then she would have to be the top lady of the entire village. My trip to the village started to yield real results until that moment when I felt like easing myself. I remember the barmaid directing me to a funny looking pit latrine around the corner. I had to bend so low in order to enter but things became elephant for me in a flash. I could neither scream nor stay mute. I felt the whole world sinking under me! All my cash and documents just headed right through the hole as I helplessly watched on! Even my ID and my most valuable driving permit! What was I going to do? Was it not true that cheap things were actually expensive? Here I was searching for a future bride who would not guzzle wines and expensive spirits once we said the “I dos”. But now I was back to square one! I had to think fast enough otherwise I would be arrested for not paying up my Primus bills. In the meantime, my SFB classmate had already tanked enough booze and was in a crazy state. From outside, I could see my SFB friend giving out a mini-speech in the small makeshift bar. He was addressing the villagers; “Ladies and Gentlemen, we came all the way from Kigali in the name of love! That is why we are all here in this bar enjoying Primus. My colleague has come here for a bride and I am proud to say that the bride is right here amidst us” At this point all ladies in the house clapped their hands. Each one was hoping that she was the chosen one. They were all enjoying the bottles of Primus that I had ordered for. As I remained outside listening, my SFB guy continued; “We have already set the date for the introduction ceremony and it is very soon! In the meantime, another crate of Primus for all of you!” Thunderous celebrations ensued. I tried to send signals to my friend to come out pronto! I had to explain to him what had happened to me. He was busy offering rounds of booze whereas I had lost all my cash in the pit latrine! Did he have some cash on him? No way! Did he have any relatives around who could lend us some cash? No way! Eh? So, things were just becoming elephant for us. We had no choice but to carefully plan our escape. I told my friend to hang around and attempt to distract them as I reversed the car further away. You see, we had parked the pickup right at the entrance of the bar in order to show off that we were toughies all the way from the city. Anyways, I managed to get behind the steering wheel as the villagers danced to the tunes of “Mugati na butter”. I slowly reversed the car and parked it in a take-off position. I waited for a couple more minutes for my SFB guy to join me. Indeed after 5 minutes, my SFB classmate dashed out like a thief. I wouldn’t have minded a lot if he had not rushed out of this makeshift bar equipped with 4 bottles of Primus! What the hell was he doing? Why carry Primus bottles when we are trying to sneak out? “Oh yes, we have to make up for our loss bwana!” I just couldn’t understand what was going on! But I managed to accelerate and we sped off like a rocket! It was obvious to all the villagers that we had escaped. So, they too had to react accordingly. Somehow, they got in touch with their bayobozis who immediately dispatched the traffic guy on a bike. From the distance, I spotted the bike approaching us at breakneck speed! I knew for sure that we were in trouble. Meanwhile, my prospective best man was busy opening up the Primus bottles with his teeth! He was singing joyously with his feet up on the dashboard. I tried to alert him about the traffic guy but the fellow was just too zonked! Eventually the traffic bike stopped us and dished out a long list of ibyaha. These ibyaha included; cheating at a bar, stealing bottles of Primus, over speeding, no safety belts and drink-driving. He then demanded to see my driving license. Eh? Wayikulahe se? I then gave the traffic man a long story about how my mission to this village was great until I miserably lost my cash and documents in the pit latrine. “Sir, also my driving permit was swallowed by that latrine sir” The traffic guy looked at me and smiled. For a moment I thought that he was going to forgive me. However, he ordered me to turn around to face justice at the village court. diaspoman@yahoo.com