HUMOUR: Fighting to get a bad view

There is a time when guests at wedding functions used to scramble for the back seats instead of the usual front VIP section.

There is a time when guests at wedding functions used to scramble for the back seats instead of the usual front VIP section.

That was way back in 90s when life in Kigali was still quite dull and dirty. But these days, things have normalized a bit.
Last week I had the opportunity to attend a high profile wedding here in Kigali. It was at the Serena Hotel where guests were dining and wining with the top cream of the land.

Well, apart from the ice cold drinks and the ever lively MC, I was also struck by the cultural dancers. They were not only beautiful and smart, but they also happened to be hygienic. 

I felt like walking over to the high table to exchange a few stories with the couple. Those stories would have taken them back in time to the mid 90s.

I would also have congratulated them for having waited for the right moment for their glittering ceremony. Had they tied the knot in the mid 90s, then it could have been a very different scenario altogether.

Those were the days when any Tom, Dick and Harry would just form a cultural troupe for the sole purpose of entertaining guests. And the dancers were not hygienic either.

People in attendance would reach out for their handbags to pull out tissues so that they could cover their delicate nostrils. Those were the days when ushers encountered problems at wedding ceremonies.

These ushers would beg and urge guests to fill the front seats so that they could get a better view of the wedding couple.

However, despite the pleas from the ushers, guests always decided to sit behind so that they were not attacked by the artillery of dancers, whose armpits harbored coal-like whiffs.

You would find a wedding hall with empty seats at the front and yet the seats behind would be jam packed. Guests would be fighting to sit behind yet the front rows were empty.

In such circumstances, you would see the bride and bridegroom take for the exit pretending to go for a dress change. If the couple was the type which was loaded with cash, they would change ‘clothes’ three times.

At least that would give them breathing space in which plenty of oxygen would be inhaled so as to chase out the dancers’ lasting presence.

I was happy for last week’s couple because they did not have to undergo such torture imposed on them by the cultural troupes.

I confronted the head of the coordination committee. “Sir Chairman of this wedding committee, may I ask you how come this room smells like a bunch of roses?

How come these dancers are not producing an abundant nonmetallic tetravalent element that usually occurs in three allotropic forms: amorphous carbon, graphite and diamond?”

“My friend, let me tell you something,” the Chairman replied. “If you organize a high profile wedding like this one here, you better budget properly.

Forget about petty items such as drinks and eats. As for us, my dear comrade, we had to budget sufficiently for deodorants and perfumes. Take that advice if you are to organize a successful ceremony!”