Men are from mars women are from venus? “Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him And Patience for his moods Because Lord if I pray for strength I will beat him to death.” I received this text message from one of my girlfriends just a fortnight ago. My first instinct was to call her, and when I did, l discovered she was distressed. “I just don’t understand him, ” Winnie complained. She continued to vent for what seemed like forever. Her conclusion, she just could not understand her husband, the five years of marriage notwithstanding. This is a dilemma faced by many women who like my friend Winnie, have tried for centuries to understand the men in their lives.Men have spent the same amount of time wishing women understood how their mind works. When it comes to understanding the male species, it might seem a bit of an impossible task —men think completely differently from women! Winnie has been married to Michael Mwalimu for two years. In these two years she says she has never really understood many of her husband’s actions. Many women wonder if perhaps it would have been easier if men were created exactly the same as women. So we ask, “Is the difference in our hormones?” Does testosterone really cause that much differentiation in our psyche? American Psychological Association is among the world’s first scholarly publications devoted to the dissemination of research, theory and clinical scholarship that advances the discipline of the psychology of men and masculinity. Their findings indicate that men genetically are less communicative than women and in interaction the male gender is basically less involved. Men are defined to be less social as compared to their women counterparts. This explains why women find their men so lacking in communication and generally just plain quiet in relationships. These psychologists explain that when faced with a dilemma men take time to think about it before talking to anyone about it. This disturbs many women who generally like addressing their problems there and then. What this means is not that men don’t like communicating it just takes them longer to do so. “Do you ever stop talking?” This question from her husband threw Winnie off balance. “That was the moment that I realised that I was telling him all about me, sharing every detail of my life. But while I was talking, I wasn’t listening. I had forgotten that he had also had a story to tell. And at that moment I decided to stop and listen” She explained. John Gottman is a University of Washington psychology professor, in his book Principles for Making Marriage Work, says “Men aren’t from Mars, nor women from Venus, there are differences. For example, men are compulsive problem solvers while women are emotional facilitators. But they both share the same traits the need for support, affection.” He continues to say that both partners should build a love map about each other. A love map that includes everything you know about each other so that you are able to understand each other. Love maps are about knowing your partner and being known. He explains that it’s essential for both men and women, to know each others dreams hopes, desires, expectations for a relationship to work. Relationships, he says are based on knowledge about each other and to build up this communication is essential. As far as hormones are concerned, testosterone doesn’t always have the best reputation. It has been said to be the reason for aggression in men. If you thought so far that men are insensitive then you are completely wrong. They just repress their emotions. Our society defines man as a stronger sex and hence emotion is a sign of weakness. This only goes to mean that if you thought your man doesn’t care just because he doesn’t show it the answer lies in what the society expects of him. He just doesn’t show it as much as you would like him to. So try and understand him. Men love their freedom and that explains why they always insist on going for trips with the boys and taking Sunday walks that you never understand. Psychology surveys have shown that men always feel suffocated in relationships and occasional breaks are essential for them to feel comfortable. So the next time your man wants to go away with his friends, do not nag him about it, instead, help him pack. The truth is, he needs that break and it will all work for the good of your relationship. Men are afraid of commitment a condition no doctor can treat hence women just need to be patient in the end they always come around to settling when they find the right man. Men have been raised in a culture where strength is seen by being indifferent and distant hence they are always aloof and seem to be in a different world altogether. We must remember that our culture has for so long tried to maintain a respectful distant between men and women and instead of judging men for being distant and uncaring, we need to have to substitute our culture of male pride with a culture of equal respect and love. In conclusion, to quote Gottman, “the key to understanding your man lies in your desire to pursue your commitment to know him more so don’t complain, pick up a pen and paper and start creating a love map of your man then maybe just maybe you will have found the key to how his brain works”. Email: Pgathoni@gmail.com
